Author: Brand Smit

TUESDAY, 4 JULY 2006

If someone should ask me at this moment, “The whole truth, nothing but the truth, how are you?” what would I say?

If I say it is going well, it will be a positive response that I myself will appreciate. The truth is that I would ignore certain things with such a statement: I need to get to a dentist quite urgently; my bicycle might make it to the train station one more time, but it probably won’t make it back; it’s been months since I’ve had enough money to spend on enjoyable activities such as going out to dinner or seeing a movie.

On the other hand, if I say things are going badly, it will be an extremely negative statement that will ignore something very significant: I have found a partner, a woman who loves me, whom I love very much, and with whom I want to spend the rest of my days on earth. In my book, the presence of such a person in your life contradicts a general statement that it is going “badly”.

THURSDAY, 6 JULY 2006

“And so we come to the end of yet another day in the life of Brand Smit. Today has been the most recent in a series of thousands of days in this man’s life, some similar to today, some much better, other days – much worse.”

TUESDAY, 18 JULY 2006

Funny how it seems that my brain is working overtime when I am slightly feverish. My calculations also seem to always be the same at such a time: I pretend as if life is worth living, because to face the truth would simply be too much to handle.

My non-feverish, sober opinion on this so-called calculation is simple: to hell with it. Fight against this idea when you are healthy, and fight against it when you are sick and feverish.

If we accept such a pessimistic view as the sum total of our calculations, we are the victims of trickery. The hand was quicker than the eye. We didn’t look hard enough, didn’t pay enough attention, and the result is that we missed something.

TUESDAY, 25 JULY 2006

You can make a positive difference in people’s lives – specifically in the lives of people who struggle to keep going on a daily basis – by taking certain actions, without actually being physically present in a particular community.

THURSDAY, 27 JULY 2006

I need to believe in a better life. This belief must be based in reality. For this belief to be grounded in reality, I have to work to make this reality real.

Therefore, if I am not working, I undermine the attempt to ground my belief in reality. If my belief is not grounded in reality, I cannot hold on to it. If I don’t have this belief to hold on to, I fall.

That is how it is. My job – writing and other work – is my religion, in the most practical way possible. I am the pope, the high priest and the pastor of my own religion. Work is the ritual that must confirm that my belief is more than mere fantasy.

SATURDAY, 29 JULY 2006

A few possibilities:

a) There is a predetermined plan and purpose for my existence – which means each and every human life of the last 30,000 years plus had to be planned in the minutest detail to produce (among others) “Brand Smit”. This means nothing could have been left to chance, and no factor that could spoil everything, like free will, could have been allowed to any significant degree. Which means no one is guilty of any actions they commit that are not “good” because everyone is just playing their roles. (A so-called criminal is therefore just as guilty of his or her crime as the actor Anthony Hopkins is guilty of murder in the film Silence of the Lambs.)

b) There is no predetermined plan, but it is possible that a plan and purpose were set up after my birth, taking into account known facts about my existence (background, ethnicity, language, etc.) as well as statistical possibilities.

c) Free will, which means I define the purpose and reason for my existence, and pursue it as well as I can, according to my abilities and conviction of my beliefs.

(I did not plan to end the note on the “free will” possibility; it was simply the third option. There may be other possibilities.)

______________________

WEDNESDAY, 14 JUNE 2006

“How on earth can we know the whole truth if we do not have all the information? How on earth can we make absolute statements? We sometimes accept things in faith, but how can we expect others to accept the same articles of faith?” (From a discussion about the moon)

FRIDAY, 16 JUNE 2006

Seven years ago, I talked about two woes that have been chasing me ever since I can remember. I am not alone anymore, yet loneliness is something that is always with you; even those with whom you are involved intimately do not always share your fears and your concerns. Poverty, or rather, to be broke, is however an affliction that I will struggle with until one of us collapses from exhaustion.

TUESDAY, 20 JUNE 2006

Like a paranoid dictator in a politically unstable country, or like kings in the Middle Ages that constantly had to keep an eye on other members of the aristocracy, so it is with me: if I do not focus my energies on something for most of my waking hours, my energy turns on the source – me.

THURSDAY, 29 JUNE 2006

Recent revelations have brought the thought that my Internet projects are reminiscent of some other projects from my personal past. I start off with ten times more enthusiasm than common sense, with no proper preparation, planning or idea of exactly what it is I want to do. I do a lot of work, then I pause, then I look at what I have done and where I am going, and then I move forward after careful consideration. I also have to admit that I am unwilling to spend the critical first three months or so after getting an idea for a project on preparation and planning.

The silver lining around this ominously dark cloud: I am busy dealing with it.

______________________

THURSDAY, 1 JUNE 2006

I feel tired, my head hurts, my body aches, and I’ve had it with the fact that being broke has become a defining feature of the life of “Brand Smit”. I work hard. I work damn hard. I work day and night, weekday and weekend. I work harder than most people I know, but I have less money than just about everybody I know.

It’s also not a case of going about it the wrong way. My preference of projects is … where the trouble comes in. I prefer big, fantastically ambitious projects, which when they are finished and the proverbial green button is pressed will bring about life-changing results.

But until then – my body and my head simply have to take the punishment, and I just have to get over worrying about where I’m going to get NT$7,500 before the twentieth of this month.

WEDNESDAY, 7 JUNE 2006

It is impossible to be 100% “pure of heart” in this world. Or rather, the only way to fully remain pure is to completely withdraw from the world. (What I mean by “pure” is for a person to avoid any action that could cause harm to another person or any animal.)

To withdraw, of course, is a selfish action that does not hold any possibility of assistance to any human or animal in need.

To be involved in this world, or to be active in this world, will inevitably sometimes lead to decisions being taken and actions being followed which will cause harm, directly or indirectly, to people, animals or the environment. But your presence in this world, or your involvement with the world, could also be a vital counterweight to much greater damage someone else is causing.

How should we approach this reality?

TUESDAY, 13 JUNE 2006

18:46

I am tired, but I am not just tired of the computer work, I am tired of my couch. I am tired of my bed, my towels, my bathroom and my washing machine. It feels as if I am draining myself in preparation for my next transformation: the emergence of a man who lives a more tranquil life, who reads more and go out more often, who gets more sleep and who doesn’t work more than eight hours per day.

Thing is, I have big plans for this man I am going to be one day. And to realise these plans, I simply have to push myself a little bit harder.

21:20

Outstanding features that had defined your life at stage X but that have “expired” by stage Y, and features that define your life in stage Y that played no role whatsoever at stage X. This implies that at some or other stage you slowly stopped being X, and started becoming Y.

Thus: stop, and start becoming.

21:23

Certainly there are many people who have never been aware of this process. The intellectually enlightened person is not only aware of this process, they can be deliberate about it.

______________________

MONDAY, 1 MAY 2006

Everyone has a choice: be a destroyer of hope, dignity and of life itself, or be a creator of hope, dignity, and life – or be someone who creates an environment where these good things can take root and flourish, or someone who protects them.

TUESDAY, 9 MAY 2006

By default, the world is a cold, dark place. We make it better, but a better world it will never be by default. It will always be a constant struggle.

FRIDAY, 12 MAY 2006

I have an acute awareness of emergency and imminent danger (ten years ago I called it my “state of emergency”). This seemingly perpetual state is about three things: health – the fact that I smoke; debt – the fact that I still haven’t paid back all my student loans; and income – which is always just above the poverty line.

FRIDAY, 26 MAY 2006

I feel compelled to make a quick update. Despite the fact that I’m pretty broke at the moment (NT$4,900 [±US$160] left until I get paid again – in about twelve days, and then only NT$3,500 [±US$110] for fourteen days), I am happy – something that both annoys and delights me.

I have once again realised that in addition to spending time with important people in my life, there is nothing that fills me with so much exuberance as to produce something out of the talents that I have received, the skills that I have developed, and the knowledge I have gained over the years.

______________________

THURSDAY, 13 APRIL 2006

I sometimes feel like a puppet whose mind has been activated (the idea comes from a book by Fritz Leiber, You’re All Alone): intelligent enough to see what I see, yet incapable of knowing or understanding the full truth, trapped in a shadowy half-life.

What advice would I offer to someone in my position?

I would say, take what you do know and understand, and aim to achieve results of your existence that are more positive than negative.

I reckon that’s good enough for a person trapped in the twilight, right?

WEDNESDAY, 19 APRIL 2006

Yesterday I had this idea that if people talk to me, and their requests or opinions are not reasonable, I would simply ignore everything they say, a kind of delete-the-sounds-from-my-short-term-memory kind of judgment.

This morning I reconsidered: Sometimes people simply need to express themselves when they make a request, or when they state an opinion or make a statement. Sometimes all you need to do is listen.

* * *

Any need a person has – for food, sleep, love, sex, creative fulfilment or financial success – has to do with silencing something. This “silence” we strive for is to be in a completely relaxed state, to go into a state that in extreme form is associated with either pre-birth, or death.

THURSDAY, 20 APRIL 2006

Every person’s “world” is like a circle – complete and, to a large extent, closed. Within this circle of people, values, understanding, and so forth his or her daily life plays out.

I am currently reading a book set in 1988 South Africa, with the main character portrayed as a good guy from the security police. The book serves as an example of a complete circle within which things made sense and within which things were ordered in a particular way. It also serves as a Document of a Particular Historical and Cultural Context – in the same way Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment serves as a document of the particular historical and cultural context that was St. Petersburg in the 1860s.

______________________