Assorted Notes

FRIDAY, 2 DECEMBER 2005

I lived in Korea for 22 months and three days. Today I say: “Yes, I was in Korea. It was okay.” It takes me 4.5 seconds to make this statement. And yet, there was a time in my life that “I am in Korea” was lived 24 hours a day, seven days a week – and then again 24 hours … and again, and again. All that time in which I breathed, ate, slept, worked and spent with friends and acquaintances has now been reduced to a statement: “Yes, I was in Korea …”

For most of my adult life I was not involved in a relationship with anyone. Loneliness and solitude were inevitable results. It was such an overwhelming experience that until recently it had defined my life to a large extent. For the past nine months I have been involved in a relationship with a woman who can only be described as an angel (and I do not play around with these terms). Today, when I am asked about it, I will say, “Yes, I was alone for a long time. Sometimes it was okay, and sometimes it was pretty crap.”

What lasted for years and became a defining aspect of my life is now expressed in a seven second statement. “Seven seconds?!” I want to scream. “We’re talking about days and nights and weeks, and months, and years! Seven seconds?!”

I have been working on a book project – a collection of essays and notes – for more than two and a half years. The Afrikaans text is almost done, and I am already in the process of translating it into English. I have also spent a huge amount of time on other projects. No tangible success has so far come from any of these projects – neither recognition nor any significant financial gain; only some encouragement, and a little money from one textbook.

Sometimes this lack of fruits of my labour bothers me. But I believe that this situation, like the Korean example and being alone, will also reach a point after which I will refer to it in the past tense: “Yes, I had to put in quite a lot of time before I could taste the first fruits of my labour.”

______________________

FRIDAY, 25 NOVEMBER 2005

17:21

I look at the world around me, and I cannot but declare that the great hope for the survival of human civilisation on Earth is the middle class – that big mass of people in the so-called developed world, and smaller percentages of people in so-called developing countries, who go to work every day, who own cars and houses and TVs and computers and refrigerators, and several sets of bed linen and music collections and beautiful coffee table books and souvenirs of holidays in other places.

People who are seriously wealthy also make a contribution, but by now we know most of that money never trickles down to the broad mass of humanity existing outside their tiny opulent worlds.

The working poor also contribute to the survival of human civilisation by performing for small fees various tasks for which no one else wants to dirty their hands.

However, without the middle class human civilisation would spiral down into brutal darkness. The middle class is Light, Spine and Balancing Factor.

One important additional piece of information must be mentioned: In order to continue to be Light, Spine, and Balancing Factor, it is imperative that the majority of the members of this stratum be educated, tolerant and peace-loving.

Of course this is a naïve ideal.

Here is what will help: a vanguard of rational, well-educated, open-minded and tolerant individuals. Intellectuals they need not necessarily be, although a core of this vanguard should consist of rational thinkers. This vanguard ought to be the leaders of middle-class communities. An organisation, even a political movement, could also be suggested that would promote this idea of strong, tolerant, stable socio-economic communities, led by rational, open-minded and tolerant individuals. (Long live the vanguard of the bourgeoisie?)

17:56

One does get the idea from the above that I’m not exactly saying anything new. What I describe in the above piece of text as the hope of civilisation has already been an active factor in the survival and development of human existence on earth for centuries. The vanguard of rational, open-minded leaders will be a major improvement, though.

If these were to be my conclusions after ten plus years of thinking about society, it is clear that I do not propose revolutions, but more of the same – just better.

SUNDAY, 27 NOVEMBER 2005

My relationship with [N], and her relationship with me are expressions of the type of people we want to be, and reflections of the type of people we are.

WEDNESDAY, 30 NOVEMBER 2005

17:41

What do I say in “Personal Agenda”? I say, struggle is a key element of our existence – initially for survival, and then for something more. Figuring out what this “more” is becomes part of our life journey.

Also, how do we struggle? How do we exist from day to day? We exist, and maintain and direct our struggle, by becoming a Particular Person, with a more or less unique identity. This identity enables us to survive and to function. Our personal struggles are given direction by way of tradition, culture or religion, or it is defined by us in a complex process that includes elements of a variety of sources. This struggle becomes the purpose of our existence – it gives value and meaning to our lives.

18:00

In Korea, I said: Belonging and Commitment.

In Taiwan, I initially said: Struggle and Creation, and then finally: Struggle, Identity, Purpose.

______________________

MONDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2005

A handyman goes to a neighbouring town late one afternoon to fix a washing machine. For 45 minutes he is focused on the machine in front of him, all the wires and plugs and tubes, and all the tools he needs. Perhaps he lies flat on his back on the kitchen floor with his concentration sharply focused on what he is doing. This is as it should be; this is how he will get the job done properly.

This handyman must however be able to pull back at any moment from the washing machine in front of him, and answer questions on issues more important than this specific washing machine. For example, he must have a vague idea in whose house he is – maybe the local dentist; he should know in what town he is – not his own town, but the neighbouring town; he must know what time he wants to be at home – perhaps around 18:00; he must also know how to drive to get home; perhaps even what the weather looks like outside – maybe he has heard the thunder of an approaching storm. If the situation requires it, he may also consider other things: his age – mid-forties; his family – wife and two children; income – ±R12,000 per month; and his financial obligations – home and car payments, groceries, school fees, insurance policies, etcetera.

Should it be necessary, this handyman would be able to sit back, away from the machine and the tools and tubes and bolts and pipes, and for a few moments consider these things.

WEDNESDAY, 23 NOVEMBER 2005

On the subject of paths laid out for you, and the steps you take in your youth and your twenties to make this path your own, the following metaphor: a tapestry. The motif was already worked out long before you begin weeks of patient labour with wool and needle. At the end you have a beautiful tapestry. The tapestry is your own. You worked hard on it. But that does not change the fact that the basic image, the pattern, was laid out long ago, by someone else.

THURSDAY, 24 NOVEMBER 2005

How do you continue with your life if you have suffered a great personal loss? I reckon you don’t … you can’t continue with your life as you knew it. That life, that consciousness of things is over. What you do is you start a new life, built on the foundation and with the building materials of your old life. I believe only then can you truly continue with your life.

______________________

WEDNESDAY, 2 NOVEMBER 2005

11:16

Religion is closely linked to identity, and national pride is closely linked to identity. The protection of the source of identity is literally a matter of life and death. Wars are fought over religion, national pride and the protection of hearth and home. It can thus be said that war is intimately linked to identity.

11:20

Wars have been waged in the past for resources, land, prestige, adventure and the possibility of looting.

[15/11/10: War is waged by military and political leaders at the top, and by foot soldiers on the ground, and probably for different reasons.]

FRIDAY, 4 NOVEMBER 2005

Why is it important whether you are a middle-class intellectual or a working-class intellectual? Because it affects where you live, what you drive, where you and your family buy clothes, what kind of groceries you can afford, even where your children go to school (if you have children). It affects how you see yourself in the community where you live. If you position yourself in a middle-class environment but you cannot foot the proverbial bill, you will think of yourself as a failure, and you will most likely be viewed as one.

WEDNESDAY, 16 NOVEMBER 2005

No rational person can deny that we live in a grey world. But whether we see the world in shades of grey or black and white, decisions are never grey. This is the dilemma: making black-and-white decisions in a grey world.

SUNDAY, 20 NOVEMBER 2005

Have I become one of them? Them – who become restless when they are confined to their own company, who grow so fond of the companionship of a specific person that they come to need it, like oxygen.

* * *

To serve the cause of civilisation is a worthy and noble endeavour.

* * *

Our flesh and our consciousness last at most decades. Our bones, including the skull that houses our consciousness while life flows through our veins, might still exist a thousand years from now.

______________________

WEDNESDAY, 19 OCTOBER 2005

“Real life is how well we pretend.” ~ character from Ready When You Are Mr McGill

15:39

I find the metaphor of life as a train journey with stations where you get off very useful. So it is that I ask at this moment: What if I say I have found my station? I know it is not New York Central, but it’s not the middle of nowhere, either!

It would still be possible to travel to another station later on, wouldn’t it? One can, if you so wish, continue the journey at a later stage, right? It is after all not the Middle Ages, or the 1950s!

Another thing: What happens if you hoped to reach a station more important than the one where you currently find yourself, but you realise your ambition has exceeded your capabilities? Do you jump on the roof of the first train that passes through, with other refugees without a ticket, just so you can still be on your way? Or if you must stay somewhere, must it necessarily be in a cheap motel in a cold room with leaking taps and stained bedding and a broken old TV?

22:40

For me, idealism has always been an inspiration, but the truth is that idealism, in practice, can be a bloody affair.

The French Revolution was launched by idealists (“liberty, equality, fraternity”), and entrenched by terror. National Socialism in Germany was fuelled by a corrupt ideal, but an ideal nonetheless – one of racial purity, and implemented by methods that included the death camps. Communism was the ideal of a classless world. Again, the practical implementation of the idea (at least in the twentieth century) was accompanied by terror, mass slaughter and almost pathological suppression of personal freedom. Fundamentalist Islam’s penchant for wasting innocent blood is well-known, with the ideal outcome of a paradise on earth.

Is idealism rotten at its core? Does idealism carry, within its veins, the seed of terror and human suffering?

______________________