Assorted Notes

SUNDAY, 17 JULY 2005

From the latest Sarie [a South African women’s magazine]: “[Women] work with traditional role descriptions that are often religiously sanctioned.” And, “Few people are ‘naturally’ self-sacrificing. Women are so because they think it is their only rightful claim to existence.” Also, “You get positive response if you fulfil the ‘typical role’. You already know what your role will be someday and therefore you never develop certain characteristics – woe to you if you move outside those tracks.”* (UNISA theologian Christina Landman)

* Own translation from the original Afrikaans text

MONDAY, 18 JULY 2005

The impending storm makes me anxious. During the storm itself, I am calm.

TUESDAY, 19 JULY 2005

The Ideal Self is not a foreign entity with whom you meet up at the end of a long journey, to then solemnly fuse with. The Ideal Self is contained within.

MONDAY, 25 JULY 2005

10:25

Eventually all questions about identity, religion, beliefs, integrated view of existence and philosophy come down to a practical matter: How should I function? How should I live from sleep to sleep? What should I do with an existence I cannot but recognise?

15:45

All those questions from the 10:25 text are about more than just functioning. It also comes down to the results you will leave of your existence.

* * *

I make a statement: My favourite colour is green. Someone else hears it and think, “What is my favourite colour?”

I say, “If I had NT$100,000, I will go to China for three months.”

The other person says, “Oh. What will I do with NT$100,000?”

I say, “The purpose of my life is to ___________.”

The other person hears this and reflects on his or her own life. “What is the purpose of my existence?” the person asks.

The point is not to only ask questions but to also say what you believe, what you do and how you see things. Another person hears what you say, or reads what you have written, and an inner voice also kicks in in the other person’s mind, asking some of the same questions you have contemplated over the years.

18:50

Question: What is life about? (One of several possible formulations of what is basically the same question.)

Answer: Functioning + End Results

SATURDAY, 30 JULY 2005

My four goals in life are as follows:

1. To be happy, and if I can be happy with someone, that will be outstanding.

2. Creative independence – to create and to produce what I find good and not as dictated by others.

3. Financial independence – to never have to look in anyone’s eyes for money; to have enough money to make possible the following: creative independence, in reality and not just as an ideal; to do things that make me happy; to create a home environment, or to co-create a home where I will be comfortable working, spending time with other people and resting; to afford a lifestyle I have been pursuing for many years.

4. To help other people in their struggle for survival, and/or to be of value in their own efforts to develop an understanding of their existence that will enable them to lead happy and productive lives; also to contribute to a healthier habitat for humans and animals.

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TUESDAY, 12 JULY 2005

14:10

What is an integrated view of existence?

For me it brings together Freud and Christ, society and blood cells, humans and animals and trees, past, present and future. It brings together what is going on in the human psyche, what takes place between two individuals in different situations, and how one community exists in harmony with another. It brings together science, chemistry, psychology, religion, philosophy, history, anthropology, sociology and biology.

It enables you to look at yourself, at everything around you, at things that are happening in other places and that have happened at other times according to credible sources, and to other people who have experiences of reality similar to your experience or who have totally different experiences, and then to state that “things” make sense – or at least that they make sense in such a way that you can function at the time and in the environment in which you find yourself.

17:41

This morning I had a strong feeling that something was broken or something that had previously worked was not working anymore. I gave it some consideration, since it sounded like a serious matter.

After a few minutes I reckoned, Freud talked about the human quest for constant energy levels; I could definitely say that my internal stability had been disturbed the past three weeks. There was the absence of the person whose intimate presence I have become accustomed to in recent months. There was the pain and discomfort during the last two weeks in my face – uncomfortably close to a person’s central point of consciousness, and therefore difficult to ignore. Finally, there was my computer – my primary instrument of expression, the most important instrument in the realisation of literary projects and other commercial projects, and generally my refuge at times when TV, movies or people cannot ease my mind. All these things had a definite impact on my energy levels and my general consciousness.

Something that is broken? Something that doesn’t work anymore? I should consider the above before I start taking anything apart.

20:18

Knowledge brings peace, and undermines irrational anxiety. If for example I could know that everything will work out over the next few months – writing projects, commercial projects, my relationship with [N.], money, schedules, vacation, family, and so on, would I have been calmer?

Speaking of knowledge: What would I say if I had to get access to verifiable, indisputable evidence that there is a “spiritual” dimension – and that this dimension is filled with both good and bad “spirits” (or entities), and what you do with your life in the “earthly” dimension will have an effect on which side of the line you will end up after exhaling your last breath? That the Christian concept of “heaven” and “hell” is a simplistic version of what happens to your “spirit”. That it is indeed a complex process of purification, possibly even rebirth, learning lessons, making choices, being receptive to indicators that will enable you to continue on your spiritual journey. That stuff happens for a reason. That some people come your way, or are “guided” by complex manipulation by good “spirits” to assist you – or even a case of mutually beneficial influence in something like a relationship, but also that there is no central figure who pulls strings and comes to one person’s rescue in an accident yet allows another person to be violently murdered. What would I say, or what would be my position, if I could know that this is the truth?

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MONDAY, 11 JULY 2005

11:35

We all have opinions of each other. Some people might be slightly shocked if they knew what I really thought of them, and equally so I might be shocked and perhaps indignant if I knew the low opinion some people have of me.

Before I tell people how seriously I regard their opinion though I would like to ask them to explain the scales they use to weigh other people. My suspicion is that the scales many people use are primitive thrown-together instruments that could just as well have come straight from the middle-ages.

If you can present your case and convince me that your standards are reasonable, I will thank you for your honest and constructive opinion. But if I am not impressed by how you formulate your opinions, I will be clear in mine. Thank you for taking the trouble to form an opinion about me, I would say, but your opinion is ridiculous, and therefore need not be taken seriously.

(Unless … the person’s opinion of you threatens to turn into action that will undermine your chances of survival or your optimal functioning. In such a case, the person’s opinion does not necessarily need to be treated more seriously but the person must indeed be treated as an unsophisticated savage or a wild animal that can do serious harm to you.)

12:34

I now know this: you do not walk away from ten days of almost continual pain and discomfort in your face without at least a crack in your moral.

12:51

Notes from the last few days make it clear that a thought has been brewing. I am angry at myself, and it has to do with one thing: my life – and by life I mean the hours I am awake every day – is filled with tasks and objectives and projects that must be completed so that I can come up with more tasks and start with more projects, and pursue more goals. And then a bus hits me, and what will I regret most? Happiness. There is so little happiness in my life that it makes me nauseous. And the opportunities I have for happiness are almost endless.

The past two weeks have been conducive for this insight – my dental discomfort, [N.]’s absence, all the tasks I have completed, my new computer, the editing of “Personal Agenda”, and yet … there are always more tasks, more projects, more objectives! There is no end to it! I worry myself to death about money and my next trip to South Africa and about how I appear! Get up, work, think, write, eat (worry about not getting fatter!), watch some TV (not too much because there are tasks waiting to get done), and then back to sleep. And then I get up again and shower and work and eat and pursue goals and then a bus hits me. And it’s all over. And the woman at the tea stall still makes tea every day, and children still go to English classes, and new TV shows are still made, and this Sunday there is a new feature movie on HBO.

And there I stand on the other side of the Great River, and I realise: tasks are important; goals are important; projects deliver results of a meaningful life. But if it did not bring you happiness, not just in your so-called life but in your hours every day, was it then truly a life worth the hardships, the humiliations, the embarrassments, and the toothache?

14:50

The time has come to cultivate a new voice: The Voice from the Other Side.

The Voice of Reason might say: X = 2. The Voice from the Other Side will say how much it matters – from the other side.

22:57

Anything that exists or has ever existed outside of what you can experience at the present moment or that you can perceive with your senses is faith – or perhaps rather, it can be placed on a scale of probability. All historical “facts” are compiled versions of past events that we believe happened, and as it is told to us. We can only believe that this is true (or was true) because our consciousness and any first-hand experiences we may be storing as memories do not stretch beyond our own lives and the place or places where we have lived this life.

It is therefore not so much about faith but where we draw the boundaries of believability, and specifically what we believe in.

The fact is, we cannot function without faith – that tomorrow would for example be similar to last Tuesday in terms of work schedule and other activities, is faith. We can only believe that Napoleon or Julius Caesar or Aristotle ever existed; they cannot convince our senses of their past existence. We believe they existed, because we read about them or we read what they have written.

Finally, a useful intellectual exercise may be answering the following question: What is the difference between belief in the existence of any god, and belief that Julius Caesar existed?

[Probability that a person such as Julius Caesar could have existed versus probability that any particular deity could exist is probably a good start.]

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SUNDAY, 3 JULY 2005

09:32

“Convinced that his journey of self-discovery was far from over […] broke free from artistic convention […] became both sculptor and subject […] abandoned the […] style that he had become famous for […]” ~ about Ju-ming, a Taiwanese sculptor

He went to New York, was exposed to a new world of colour, medium, texture and form. He returned to Taiwan free to experiment, free to create, free from the constraints of conservative masters.

He started his career as a temple carver.

He produced two series: “Tai Qi” and “Living World”.

“[…] taking risks […] creating their own fortune […] seeing the big picture.”

11:01

I think back to summer 2000: because I was not busy on a daily basis becoming my Ideal Self – or even better, being my Ideal Self – I was, for all practical purposes, in appearance to others and to myself a prime example of a person who hated what he was doing for a living and who consistently failed to satisfy essential emotional and physical needs. In desperation I grabbed at any emergency measure that could save me from the situation. The “musician” vision was consequently pursued with feverish enthusiasm. Of course I also thought, “If only I had a million dollars …”

By making this note I am being my Ideal Self: someone who thinks about things, and who writes about what he thinks. This note is a manifestation of my Ideal Self. It is ritual as much as it is free expression of my experience of reality.

13:44

“… balancing confidence and credibility.” (China Post, 1 July 2005)

* * *

What did the Dutch government do in 1945 when their suffering under Nazi rule was over? They rallied together their troops and rushed back to Indonesia to continue their oppressive rule over the Indonesian people that had been disturbed by the Japanese.

Oppressors one day; oppressed the next; oppressors again as soon as they had the opportunity.

The history of the Second World War must be read on the same page as post-war efforts to re-establish European control over former colonial territories. This applies to all the European colonial powers of the time – Britain in Southeast Asia and Africa, France in Southeast Asia and Africa, the Netherlands in Southeast Asia, and Portugal in Angola and Mozambique.

22:13

This afternoon I purchased a whole new set of bedding – fitted sheet, duvet and two matching pillow cases. The guilt over paying what was in fact a very reasonable price, and the uncertainty about how the change in bedding would alter my view of myself kicked in before I had even reached the elevator of the department store.

A few months ago I was still adamant about my blue duvet, my other duvet with the huge arum lily, and the pillow cases that did not go with anything. I told [N.] the day I buy bedding where everything matches is the day I trample under my feet the aesthetic expression of how I see myself, and with it all it symbolises. She agreed that the value of matching bed linen was overrated; that it is indeed quite unnecessary. My bedding, so she thought, was perfectly okay. Weeks later she still reckoned there was nothing wrong with it. I, on the other hand, was suddenly convinced that it looked “common”. (In my defence, I should mention that the fitted sheet had frills hanging from it, which is not exactly my style. The only reason I started using that specific sheet was because I had put a thicker mattress on the bed and the only sheet that was big enough was one that my friend, J. had left me two and half years ago when she left Taiwan.)

Then, this afternoon, while [N.] was still on holiday in South Africa, I went out and bought that entire new set of bedding – stylish, matches the colour motif of the bedroom, no frills, nothing.

“Was I supposed to spend my entire life sleeping on old linen where nothing matches just because I fancy myself an anti-bourgeois intellectual?” I shouted at myself on the way home. “Should I hang my head in shame because I violated Rule # 17 of the Free-thinking Intellectual’s Handbook on Houseware and Bed Linen? Did I forget that no self-respecting critic of everything that is middle class should ever stoop so low as to lay two pillows with matching covers on a bed?”

Then I thought: What is the value of free thinking, of self-definition when it comes to who and what you want to be, and of free choice when I have to live for the rest of my life under the punishing regime of my own caricature of a leftist critic? If I cannot choose to blow money on stylish, matching bed linen, what other choices are there where my so-called freedom is restricted by my own idea of what my life is supposed to look like, since I labelled myself a writer with anti-middle-class opinions? Who is my master when it comes to these issues? Did Marx or Lenin’s bed sheets and pillows match? Does Michael Moore buy his bed linen at three different garage sales to prevent one sheet from inappropriately matching a duvet cover, and Great Revolutionaries forbid, to avoid buying anything that might actually be new? I thought I served my own agenda! I thought I make my own free choices! I thought what I was doing with my life, where, with whom, and how I decorate my house as an expression of my self-image and personal beliefs are all self-defined!

It is thus one hundred percent in line with my beliefs and my integrated philosophy and understanding of life when I say it is okay: you can in all credibility be progressive in your views and opinions, and criticise how other people live their lives, and at the end of a productive day cast your weary body on a bed where the fitted sheet matches the duvet cover, and where the pillow cases do not violently clash with the colour motif of your bedroom.

TUESDAY, 5 JULY 2005

Strange what positive consciousness is stimulated in the deepest parts of your being when someone who matters to you uses the pronouns “we” and “us”.

WEDNESDAY, 6 JULY 2005

Whilst reading Ayn Rand’s For The New Intellectual I am again reminded of the fact that, because I never undertook a thorough and formal study of philosophy, I do not consciously subscribe to any particular school of thought. There are however examples of direct influence: Jean Paul Sartre’s “exist, appear, confront, define”; Nietzsche’s “will a self and thou shalt become a self”; Wittgenstein’s theory of language as a factor in how the truth is understood; and Karl Marx’s “in an ideal world a man can tend sheep in the morning without ever becoming shepherd …”

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SATURDAY, 2 JULY 2005

11:35

I am watching a Kevin Bacon movie, and a specific plot line catches me offside for the umpteenth time in my adult life. Now, I know it is just a movie, but it’s not science fiction, it is a dramatised version of a life with which I am sure most viewers, who certainly count in the millions, can associate.

The story goes as follows: a young man who has ambitions to become a writer and who has a view of himself as someone who does not merely want to do the same as the proverbial everyone else marries a young woman whose character is not so clearly developed as her husband’s, but who one can assume has ambitions of a more conventional life. They buy a house in a middle-class neighbourhood. He gets a job at an advertising company and tries to write in the evenings, but does not get much done. He doesn’t really know what he wants out of life, but nonetheless works to maintain the “house” that is his life – a life he has not chosen as much as it just happened as a standard option for which he has taken the right actions at the right times like showing up for a job interview and showing up at the bank to fill out forms for a home loan. He wonders why he cannot just accept himself the way he is, and be satisfied with where he is.

As could be expected, it does not take long before pregnancy and children become part of the story. The man complains that his life is without meaning, and it is increasingly suggested that fatherhood will make a big difference.

The story thus follows a familiar plot:

– Man and woman get married.

– Man and woman are uncertain about the value of their lives in the Greater View of Things (and although it has been mentioned that we do not always live in the Greater View of Things, we also do not only live in the world of sour milk and annoying pop tunes and screaming children – all these things are part of something bigger, and most of us know this). They may even believe that they have to justify their existence. They must show the world that they too are worth something, and that they can make a worthy claim to the oxygen they breathe and the sun warming their cheeks.

– They get jobs somewhere, buy a house, and try to fill holes that doubts about the value of their existence blaze into their consciousness like an open flame would burn holes through delicate rice paper.

– They have children – the joy, the profound change in their daily lives, the happiness and the congratulations from all serve to emphasise that they have reached a good point. They are parents now, which means new roles to play as well as the additional value this gives to their lives in the Greater View of Things. The child or children are raised to initially be like their parents (language, sports preferences, religious affiliation, other loyalties), and to perhaps lead similar lives after a few decades. The whole cycle continues: have children, adulthood, have children, adulthood, have children …

What is my problem with this? I like children! My own sisters have beautiful children and I am happy for them! I may also want to have children one day! What is my problem with this most primitive, most widespread of phenomena? My problem is the type of adults that many people become. And I believe the kind of adults that people become are strongly influenced by the reason or reasons why they came into existence in the first place. [Example: Prince William of Britain: reason for coming into existence: to become king (or queen if the dice had fallen the other way).] If I look at my own case, my own parents may have had me because they had wanted more children for their own selfish reasons. I turned out okay. As an adult I make witty albeit slightly cynical comments on the lives of other adults, I pay my bills (late, but still), and I believe I make my contribution, however small, to the progress of civilisation, or at least to preserve what is good.

Is this not in the end good enough?

I think it is time that I face one of the hardest truths ever: Not everyone’s life is important in the Greater View of Things. To have one life with value that exceeds the primary needy-organism-behaviour-to-satisfy-needs model requires possibly dozens of primary models. This is a horrible truth: that my life in the Greater View of Things may be worth more than someone else’s, and that someone else’s life may be more valuable than mine – that my life can be regarded as disposable if necessary to keep someone else alive whose life is regarded as more precious and more valuable than my own. (And I am not referring to the value of my life in the sense that my life has value for my mother, and John X’s life has value for Mother X. I am talking of value where personal relationships are not a measure.)

What this means is that perhaps as many as nine out of every ten adults must produce offspring to give value to their lives and to contribute their share to fulfil the needs of the community in the decades to come (children become teachers and doctors, and road builders, and so forth). One in ten, or maybe just one in every hundred people, does more – something that will transcend their value beyond their intimate inner circle and the labour value they have for the local economy. To produce these one-out-of-ten or one-out-of-one-hundred people, MOST ADULTS SHOULD HAVE CHILDREN. That is how it is. It is time that I accept this.

(Incidentally, the movie’s name is She’s having a baby.)

23:40

Again it comes down to this: there is no universal human value. Each person has to work out his or her own value in the Greater View of Things. If he or she is not satisfied with the preliminary outcome, he or she must take action to achieve their desired value – in so far as it is within his or her ability.

What is your value if you do not work it out yourself, and if you are not among the group of people bothered with their value in the Greater View of Things? Then your value is the result of fate – time and place of birth, gender, family, socio-economic status, race, etcetera, needs of the community – X number of teachers are needed, X number of garbage removal workers, and so forth, and choices and actions you take, or have taken to satisfy your needs up until the current moment.

Great. (Possible title or subtitle for an essay: Initially about a movie.)

[Say you work out your own value – whatever that means, and you think you too can be counted among the group of people who are bothered with their value in the Greater View of Things, is this not ultimately also 100% part of your process to satisfy your own needs? One out of every hundred people who will then rise above the proverbial masses do so for the same reason a subsistence farmer plants a potato and harvest it: to satisfy their own needs.]

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