Assorted Notes

FRIDAY, 31 DECEMBER 2004

Notes to round off another year

Observe yourself – collect data – confront what you have been given – define who you want to be, where, with whom, what role you want to play, and what results you want to leave behind of your existence.

* * *

Contribute to the process that will allow other people to lead happy, productive, fulfilling lives, and to strive for good results.

* * *

How much of what we do is really choice, and to what degree are we compelled by forces within us that we cannot wrap up neatly with phrases like “free will”?

* * *

Thought of last night on the way to the Carrefour: Writing has, in the end, outmanoeuvred, outsmarted, outgunned, and outlasted every other possibility of what I had ever wanted to do with my adult life.

Pipe wrench in one hand, pen in the other, I remind myself that if one insists that an old apartment in a working class neighbourhood helps to define who you are and want to be, one should not complain too much if your pipes are getting clogged up, or if they start to crumble.

Since we are on this subject, and since I am planning on making this note the last of the current literary project, what else other than residence defines who you are, or want to be?

I would say the music you listen to; how you earn money; what you do – can I put down the pipe wrench? – what you do when you are not busy earning money; clothing, and any accessories you choose to wear; whether you have a car, and if you do, what type of car; if you don’t have a car, how you move around if your destination is too far to reach by foot; people you socialise with; how often you socialise, where, and what you do at such times (drinking, dancing, fishing, bowling or other possibilities); what you eat and what you don’t eat (pizza, beer and doughnuts every day will say something of who you are and want to be – or who you don’t care to be; a vegetarian lifestyle will say something different); how well you manage to meet your own needs, especially when you compare it to the standards of the community in whose midst you find yourself on a daily basis (for example, eating maize porridge three times a day when all your neighbours are accustomed to three balanced meals per day will besides the health repercussions also have certain implications for your self-perception); if you are so fortunate to be able to go on vacation, where you go, for how long, with whom, and what you do while you are on vacation; your active interests (ties in with what you do when you are not busy making money); whether you smoke or use other tobacco products, and if so, what kind of tobacco products (cigarettes, cigars, pipe) and even which brand; whether you use drugs and if so, what kinds of drugs, where, with whom, how often, and in what quantities; in which town, city or country you live in, how long you have lived there, and how often you move (if at all); (and eventually, after thirteen other items), whether or not you are married, and if so, who your spouse is (and even to some extent, how your partner’s responses to this list compare to your own); whether you have children; if you are unmarried, whether you are currently in an intimate relationship; if not, for how long you have been single; if you are involved with someone, how long you’ve been involved with this person, and even how often you have been in similar relationships during your adult life; whether or not you steal or make yourself guilty of other criminal activities; if you do, what kind of criminal activities and how often; whether you get involved in physical altercations on a regular basis; if you do, with whom, for what reasons, how often, and where; whether you provide assistance to others who need help; if you do, to whom you provide assistance, how often, and what percentage of your time and money is taken up by this assistance; if you spend neither time nor money to provide assistance to your fellow human beings, what reasons would you give for this; (to be continued …)

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WEDNESDAY, 29 DECEMBER 2004

For me this has not been the kind of year that fills one with panic that you have not done enough. Certainly one can never do everything you want to do, and in that sense I could have done more … but I am happy with what I have indeed done, and with what I can continue as soon as I swap the calendar behind me for a new one.

So here follows a list of projects I am currently working on, or on which I have worked over the past twelve months. These projects are listed not simply to mention more than three things after such an … almost senseless and unnecessary introductory paragraph, but because I would like to complete these projects, and seeing the titles of the projects so prominently displayed may remind me that they have indeed not been brought to conclusion.

It should also be mentioned that it is a coincidence that I am compiling this list at the end of this year. It has more to do with the fact that I completed a massive editing and revision task two weeks ago and has since been feeling a little lost behind my computer playing card games than with the fact that it is always useful to compile a list of this nature when the days on the current calendar are increasingly being driven into a corner.

So, the list:

Bullets one to four: […]

Bullet five: The three volumes of my primary literary project of the past two years must be proofread, reviewed, proofread again and reviewed again, and then be converted into PDF or HTML format and burned on a CD-ROM.

Bullets six to ten: […]

And don’t forget …

Bullets eleven to fourteen: […]

FINAL THOUGHT

Some people ask themselves on a regular basis, “What should I do with my life?” Few realise that to a large extent this question can be reduced to the literal and figurative next few hours.

It is now Friday morning, 31 December 2004 at 01:34. I will go to sleep in the next 26 minutes and hopefully rise again no later than nine o’ clock. This will give me an hour to get coffee and food in my stomach, and to watch a little TV. Then I will have about five and a half hours at my disposal during which I will have no appointments before I have to start preparing for my two classes.

Now, I can decide to do nothing in those five and a half hours, which is what lying on the couch watching TV would come down to for all practical purposes. I can also decide to work on any of the items listed above.

Repetition on a regular basis – if not necessarily as a daily routine – of whatever I decide to do later, before I have to leave my apartment to go earn food and rent money, constitute in the larger view of things what I do with my life – since I view my income earning work as not much more than a necessary measure in order to survive.

This illustrates the value of all the items on my list: the creative work is for me of paramount importance – it is at this stage what really gives value to my life, and what I would want to leave as a result of my existence. Language study provides a challenge. If I can master my subject to a certain level, it will give me some satisfaction. It will also enable me to function better in the environment in which I live and work. With the business ideas I aim to utilise my creative nature for financial gain, which will give certain ambitions and desires, which will always cost money, a fair chance of coming to fruition. Commercial endeavours would also, if successful, make possible a lifestyle that I have defined as good – or, depending on the degree of success and what it would make possible, extraordinary.

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WEDNESDAY, 29 DECEMBER 2004

The fact is that I function better now as a human being than was the case four years ago. I am more aware of the rules of the game, and I have learned to play by the rules without betraying myself. I am more convinced of my relative value in the broader community, and also more specifically in the Community of Particular Language and Culture to which I am connected by the proverbial umbilical cord. I am more convinced of who I am and who I want to be. I understand more of where I come from as well as the value of that in answering the questions about who I am and where I am going. I also understand the reasons and motivations for this specific vision. I am therefore more convinced of my place in the Bigger World, and more convinced of my own self when I walk into a local bar or restaurant, or when I arrive at a barbecue with friends and strangers. Finally, because I can now speak and read a little Chinese, I can function better in the particular environment where I live and work every day than was the case a few years ago.

It is ultimately as practical as the difference between a bicycle wheel with a problem and one that works as it is supposed to. Anyone who has ever ridden a bicycle will appreciate the difference between a wheel with broken spokes, a cracked tyre and a leaky inner tube and a wheel with new spokes, an expensive new tyre, and a brand new inner tube. One is simply better. One is simply more suited to taking you where you need to be.

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THURSDAY, 23 DECEMBER 2004

Disturbance of the telephone …

Telephones can be very disturbing. For example, I am sitting behind my computer, half-past eleven in the evening, and the phone rings. I was just minding my own thoughts, chewing on a toothpick … but now I suddenly have to make an appearance, and participate in a conversation, and display personality, and so on.

I think it’s quite reasonable to not answer the phone when social appearance does not suit you. If you know who called, you can simply call the person back at a time that suits you better. And if your call does not suit that person at that time, he or she can do the same, until you catch each other at a time convenient to both of you.

[The bigger the gap between your private self and your social self, the more annoyed you will be when your solitude is disturbed.]

TUESDAY, 28 DECEMBER 2004

The point of the thought

The point at the end of the thought that had been brewing in my head in parts three and four is this: the person you want to be and the role that you have defined for yourself should not only be compatible with the world in which you exist, but it should also not undermine your chances of fulfilling your emotional and physical needs. If this essential balance between what you have defined for yourself and what you need to be and do to survive is not maintained, who you want to be and the role that you have defined for yourself are not sustainable.

One of my favourite awakenings of the year is the idea that to know who and what you “truly” are is not the end goal, but a means to producing results of your existence – and then hopefully positive results.

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MONDAY, 27 DECEMBER 2004

Part three

More than a year ago a thought started brewing in my head. It was mainly about the kind of life I can lead in South Africa while I continue to be treated as an adult in a community of other people who are also over 25, but who fulfil the conventional criteria of adulthood. The two parts of the original thought eventually touched on the theme of exactly what these criteria are. What I came up with was not original: get a job, get married, acquire property, get pregnant, and be responsible for your own offspring.

More than a year has passed since the original idea had hatched. I am still sitting in the same apartment in the same chair, still typing essays on the same computer and for the most part still using only two fingers (I have moved from the spare room to a corner in the living room, though). My only medium of transport is still my yellow bicycle. My antique cabinet, my exercise bike, and all my boxes still occupy nearly the same space as a year ago.

Although I don’t currently think much about the suspension of what I had previously called my “exile”, the thought of two possible lives again started tapping on the inside of my skull: Alone, or With Someone.[1]

If I continue to spend my days and nights on my own, it would be my choice. To be with someone will mean a more enjoyable experience of reality; it will also bring with it things like the possibility of a future together, which will again bring forth the question of place – South Africa or Taiwan or other possibilities, residence – house or apartment, seeing that attic or mobile home won’t do – as well as the matters of money and regular income.

Let me repeat: If I continue to not share my life with someone, it will be with a very specific goal in mind. An image of a medieval ascetic comes into vision, and my belief that I am in the service of an idea and must therefore sacrifice more conventional comforts confirm earlier views about calling – that the purpose of my existence, even the purpose of my so-called own agenda have to do with an “obligation” which goes beyond the specific time and place in which I currently find myself, or may find myself in the future.

To be alone means I do not have to leave a place that is beneficial to the work I do – a place where I can earn a living in ways that do not hinder my real work too much. Being alone, so the case can be argued, may therefore be conducive to achieving certain positive results. To continue to spend my time on earth alone, if I want to rub it in even more, will inspire even more critical views on, for example, the real value of money, the individual and the community, how a person functions with his or her particular consciousness and identity in the modern world, and the role of the Church in a world that is still recovering from the shock of the industrial revolution.

I am aware of the possibility that I can stop writing. The box with all my notebooks fills a space not too far from where I usually sit. I also know where all the printed copies of my essays and other writings are, and the recently revised three volumes of “The Personal Agenda” is lying behind me on the wooden table with the 200-page excerpts version and a neatly printed and bound copy of my poetry collection. I can shove all this material in a crate, hammer the crate shut with six-inch nails, wipe all the related documents from my hard drive, and starting tomorrow devote my daily existence to making enough money to spend the rest of my days and nights on this planet in comfort. I am aware of this possibility.

* * *

It is necessary to mention at this point that I am not too perturbed anymore by the community’s criteria of what qualifies one as a full-fledged adult. The “community” do what they do, for reasons I can probably explain to them better than many of them can explain to me, and I do what I do for reasons I could explain to them if I am bored enough or in a good enough mood for such an endeavour. “Their” criteria had more to do with my fears of a year ago about what would define my adult presence in a South African environment had I taken the radical step to re-establish myself in the country of my birth a year or so ago.

The thought that is currently brewing in my grey nest is therefore related to last year’s idea, but the days are gone that the “community” would bully me with their so-called standards.

* * *

Let’s say for argument’s sake there is a certain woman who attends the same Christmas parties as I and (hopefully) will also bless the New Year’s Party with her attractive person … Let’s go beyond that and claim that this character even has a left-leaning attitude towards politics and – will the reader think I exaggerate? – that she has had her own personal encounter with the world of corporatism and materialism and ten hours a day at the office. Would it be inappropriate if I calculate for a moment the potential impact such a female presence would have on my present life?

Seeing that this is nothing more than an academic discussion, and the female character in question is … well, fanciful, I think it is perfectly okay to weave more interesting scenarios than Christmas dinners and barbeques into this cold, purely rational essay … May one, just in passing, also mention that a certain imaginary character has a figure that forces a man to stare motionless into the night, and that she has eyes that inspire a thousand poems in his mind as he makes his way home from the coffee shop?

I can swear there was more I wanted to say … but I feel a few lines of poetry beating in my chest, and isn’t it time to make that telephone call?

TUESDAY, 28 DECEMBER 2004

Part four

A year ago I wondered what kind of impact it would have had on my view of myself as a writer if I had returned to South Africa. In the first two parts of this Brewing Thought I also considered what kind of life in South Africa would be conducive to me continuing to broach the topics I have touched upon so far, and to continue filling packs and packs of paper with “theories” and arguments that are sometimes more reminiscent of propaganda for a cause than academic discussion. Finally, I could only speculate how I-the-author would appear to the community in a town like Bronkhorstspruit, or Middelburg, Mpumalanga.

The issue of repatriation will never completely die down, but I do not milk it anymore for literary material. The matter I do want to shed some light on this Tuesday afternoon has to do with inspiration of a different kind. Considering that isolation, solitude, and even loneliness are conducive to the unique material I produce, and not only for specific texts but also for the zeal and pace of putting words to paper, what effect would it have if I were not alone?

I ask this because it may be of relevance in the coming months, and also because it will bring clarity similar to what a Catholic priest experiences knowing that he will sometimes be confronted with women who will stir things in him that were part of his life long before he had made a promise to his church to remain celibate. The priest has a prescribed response ready to recite were the possibility of romantic love ever to present herself to him. (I am not implying that it will be easy for him just because the answer is prescribed and required of him. I am only saying that the answer has already been formulated. It is thus rather a question of whether he wants to continue to recite the already formulated answer, or to say, “No more …”)

No church or bishop, or any other institution or person dictates to me what I should and should not do with my heart or other vital organs. I myself have to decide whether an intimate relationship would be beneficial to my self-defined life and the particular work I do – regardless of whether I believe I have to do this work or if I just need to do it so that I can be convinced I am not wasting my life.

One may also wonder how much of this problem will be solved using pure reason and what role the primordial desire to have an intimate connection with another person will play – that is, if a certain “other person” does decide to attend the New Year’s party …

As I am sitting here staring over my monitor at the dark green cloth flapping in front of my living room window, I try to think of a specific word or phrase – like poking around in a toolbox for the right spanner to fasten a nut. And as the wind chimes at the open window tinkle against the cold winter wind, a word comes to me that might pin this issue down: sustainability. Is it sustainable for me to continue ad nauseam trying to address the themes with which I have kept myself occupied until now, and to continue at the pace at which I work not only because I want to complete projects but because it is necessary for me to maintain a sense of well-being?

I believe it is not sustainable.

I further believe that to spend most of your time alone in a space that is customised to your needs and to your tastes and preferences is conducive to specific themes. It follows that not spending most of your time in your own company will be beneficial to exploring other topics which are not necessarily less important than “The individual and the community” or “I am not a creature from outer space”.

Eventually this matter can be related back to questions about who you want to be, and the specific role that you have defined for yourself in the community you are part of, both geographically and culturally. It also has to do with how you reconcile the result, as you currently see it, of the process of defining yourself and your role in society not only with the world and time in which you exist, but also with the satisfaction of your emotional and physical needs.

By way of illustration I can mention that I could have added a PART FIVE tonight to this Brewing Thought, but that it is not going to happen because I have to leave my apartment to go to teach some English classes so I can pay my phone bill at the end of this month. I could also have conjured up from my grey matter PARTS SIX and SEVEN tomorrow night, but it just so happens that a certain character has since the start of this piece organised a dinner date with a certain other character who, only in theory of course, inspires ideas in the Writer of Pieces that has very little to with many of the themes he has been trying to address up to now – ad nauseam, it could be added.

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[1] A few weeks ago, I thought of three possibilities for an adult existence: that of the “wanderer”, the “settler”, and the “traveller”. For the purpose of this essay, however, I will focus on two possibilities of another kind.

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