Faith and disillusionment – honest appearance

Fall in, it’s already TUESDAY, 8 JANUARY 2008.

To be without hope, and without faith, is almost as bad as to be without love.


I just remembered what I wrote a few months ago: “Fight for the fighting spirit, for the sake of fighting for the fighting spirit.”

Why? Why do you get back on your feet after a disappointment or a setback?

You get back on your feet, because what else are you going to do? Give up? Grow old within weeks, suddenly sick, annoyed, in the mood for nothing?

Fuck that. Count me in for another round.


I am my own biggest fan, friend, counsellor, comrade … but, and this is not easy to admit, I am also my own biggest obstacle on the road to success.


The day comes when an idea hits you, and from that day on your life is marked by choices made to realise this idea. Sometimes the journey is long and tiring – as journeys often are. When you reach an intersection you sometimes think you know the right way; other times you are not so sure. Every now and then, a marker is exposed – in a shrub, or in a forest, under a tree or erected on top of a heap of stones. Maybe another twenty kilometres, the deeply-etched letters in dark ink inform you. Just so you know.


The most honest appearance you will ever make is when you only appear to yourself.

Problem is, if you only ever appeared to yourself, your chances of experiencing what can be described as happiness will be slim. Whether you will feel as if your life has any meaning is also a moot point. So, to experience happiness and give meaning to your life, you appear to other people.

How important is honest appearance – for you? How can honest appearance be defined? Can you experience happiness if your appearances are not honest? Can your life have value if your appearances are not honest? (I think it can.) Can you have an awareness that your life is meaningful if your appearances are not honest? Can you be conscious of your life being meaningful if your life does not mean anything to anyone, but your limited appearances are honest?


A personal struggle sometimes revolves around a single matter, and sometimes multiple issues flow together in a single struggle.

My personal struggle, at first glance, is to become financially independent. But beneath the surface it seems as if the struggle for financial independence is only the latest battleground in a larger struggle.

This larger struggle revolves around faith and disillusionment.

I always want to believe. But in the dark corridors of my being slumbers the expectation of disillusionment.

That is my struggle.


Is it not strange that you sometimes compose your best love poems, and your most beautiful love letters, for persons that eventually, in the long term, do not matter that much to you? That you sometimes dedicate your best, your most inspired love literature to those who are far, far removed from the One Great Love?