And then you turn fifty

MONDAY, 19 APRIL 2021

I’m ready to grow old.

I don’t know everything I want to know, and I don’t understand everything I want to understand.

I realise more than half of my life is probably behind me – and I have vivid memories of my childhood, so I know time doesn’t stand still.

I accept that I will never learn to speak Turkish, and even if I learn to speak Turkish, I probably won’t learn to speak Swedish as well. And even if I learn to speak both Turkish and Swedish, I will most likely not learn to speak Xhosa or Russian or Japanese in addition to the other languages.

I see people younger than me who speak and act like they have yet to learn or experience certain things. I see from this that I have indeed experienced a lot of life, or that there are many things I have not yet experienced – both good and bad.

I am ready to grow old, because I accept someone has to take the place of the generations that have come before me. That is me, and the millions of other people on the planet who were born in the late sixties and early seventies.

MONDAY, 17 MAY 2021

When you bleed, your body does something to stop the bleeding.

When you bleed, you also take steps to stop the bleeding.

Yet we fear it.

TUESDAY, 22 JUNE 2021

Other people may differ, but for me, fifty is the biggest birthday of my life – so far, at least.

Sixteen is probably big, but I was a high school student at fourteen, at fifteen, and at seventeen and eighteen. What is so special about sixteen?

Twenty-one was also supposed to be an important milestone, and it was indeed a good party in my case – a large group of friends, and pizza and a dozen or so bottles of red wine at Giovanni’s Pizzeria in Arcadia, Pretoria.

Twenty-five is the quarter century – which I celebrated on a plane on my way to Hong Kong, and from there to Seoul, and from there to another city in South Korea where I would spend the next two years of my life.

Thirty was celebrated in Kaohsiung, in southern Taiwan, and I must confess: I felt older.

Forty came and went. (The decade was exceptionally productive, though.)

But fifty? There’s the sentiment of fifty that is the youth of old age, but no one who turns fifty is unaware of the fact that they are … significantly older than with any other milestone.

The instinct is immediately to recite a list for which one is grateful – and Heaven knows I am grateful for every person who makes my life better, and for every event and turn of events that made things work out better than how they could have worked out. But you think back to the day when you turned sixteen, and just the other day when you turned thirty – we had brunch at a place not ten minutes’ walk from where I’m typing these words.

You want to explain to people that you still have one or two items of clothing in your wardrobe that you’ve been wearing since your early thirties. (What should I do? Throw it away if it’s still wearable?) You want to point out that most leaders of state are still older than you. But nothing takes the thought away. Nothing can take it away: You’re getting old.

FRIDAY, 25 JUNE 2021

I’m again listening to music from fifty and sixty years ago. I read about the Cold War. I watch videos of murder and slaughter and political struggle in Vietnam in the sixties and early seventies.

I’m trying to capture something of the world that was dying at the time a new generation was about to be born.

MONDAY, 28 JUNE 2021

Turning fifty. During a global pandemic. Your mother is still recovering from the virus; your father is in the hospital. Your older sister had it a few weeks ago, and your younger sister and her husband currently have it.

Still, you’re grateful for what you have, and for what you have had so far.

So, guess you aim for 51, then.

TUESDAY, 29 JUNE 2021

I realised last night as I was being carried away to oblivion: Fifty is an appropriate age for me.

Suppose a Cosmic Accountant asks me to make a list of things I have experienced in my life, lessons I’ve learned, things I’ve seen, places I’ve visited, people I’ve met and gotten to know, but above all, to indicate on a spectrum what I reckon my emotional and mental understanding is as a result of all the above-mentioned. If the Cosmic Accountant then assigned to my person an age of “32”, I’d be disappointed. If he said something like “65”, I would think I had overcooked things a bit. “50”, I reckon, is an appropriate number.

SUNDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER 2021

Fifty and the possibility that the best years of your life are still ahead of you is a good opportunity for the famous Henry Ford quote: “If you believe you can, you can. And if you believe you cannot, don’t even bother.”

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More notes on the adult life

MONDAY, 14 JUNE 2021

I wrote a piece in 2015 about the trifecta of adult life: married, two children, financial independence. I want to add two things:

1. Legacy – it matters what you leave behind. The film magnate, Harvey Weinstein, was married, had at least two children, and was very wealthy. But he was a scumbag who forced women to have sex with him – or confronted them with extremely difficult choices. This, not his marriage or his children or his money or dozens of movies, is his legacy.

2. Not a requirement, but it can make up for the absence of another item: Did you lead an interesting life? Did you visit interesting places? Did you meet people from different cultures and backgrounds? Did you take risks, even after you failed?

FRIDAY, 18 JUNE 2021

One man married in his late twenties, had three children, had a happy marriage, ran his own business, and enjoyed financial success – annual vacations, including trips abroad, with the whole family, and later with his grandchildren. At 68 he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and he died after two years of unsuccessful treatment.

Another man married in his late thirties. Their marriage is also happy but has produced no children. He invests time and money in various endeavours, but financial independence has eluded him thus far. Despite the fact that there is never money for extravagance, he and his wife live comfortably. At 68, he is still healthy, except for some arthritis in his knees, and in his one hand.

Now, the million-dollar question: Who’s the winner?

Or should both be grateful for their blessings?

WEDNESDAY, 23 JUNE 2021

Working on my own projects is an expression of my faith in a better future. If I stop believing my own projects could give me a better future … I would have to find something else to put my faith in. This is what has driven me since 2006 … since 2003 … since 1997/8 … to become financially independent. I have spent more time and energy on this than on anything else in my adult life.

That might be why I could never accept a position where I would have seen myself as just a cog in the machine. What would have driven me forward? That I could pay rent at the end of the month and buy groceries? That’s just survival! To work on something that can give me financial independence – financial independence! – is to have faith. It is to be pushed forward with a vision for the future.

Am I rather a poor believer – or a believer who can pay rent and buy groceries, and have some savings in the bank – than a comfortable cog in the machine who doesn’t believe my life is ever going to get much better?

Belief in something I cannot see is woven into my psyche. Working on something that can improve my life is a ritual that confirms my faith.

Plus, it increases the likelihood of success.

[Must add that there are certainly people who are “just cogs in the machine”, and if they don’t do it, someone else will, but after work and on weekends they also work on their own projects, which they also hope will give them a better future. I sometimes tend to think in black and white.]

MONDAY, 28 JUNE 2021

I believe in something.

When I work on what I believe in, I prove that my faith is genuine.

When I work on it, I am actively realising what I believe in.

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Long walk, White and Black Pills, and author of your own experience

SUNDAY, 28 MARCH 2021

Some things you need to do are like taking off your clothes and jumping naked into an icy lake. You scrape together the courage, take off your clothes, take a deep breath, run, and jump.

Other things are like when someone says to you, “If we start walking now, we should be there by Thursday – five days from now.” It doesn’t matter if you’re excited about this project, and there’s no big moment where you take off your clothes, start running and jumping. You just have to start walking. And keep walking. And when you get tired, you rest. And the next day you keep going.

SATURDAY, 3 APRIL 2021

What does it mean to swallow a White Pill? According to UrbanDictionary.com, it refers to a moment, or a series of events, in which a person abandons his despair for an increasingly hopeful outlook on life. This is done not out of optimism, but by confronting difficult circumstances and even nihilism with the use of reason and inquiry.

The White Pill is the opposite of the Black Pill. With the latter, you have an increasingly pessimistic outlook on life that you see as meaningless, with a belief that life always amounts to suffering and misery. In the Black Pill view, morality is seen as merely a construct or a mechanism that enables people to live together in relative harmony.

MONDAY, 5 APRIL 2021

Again: an idea does not necessarily have to be new. Maybe it just reminds you of something you already know. Or it confirms something you’ve already accepted for yourself. Or it expresses in other words something that is important to hear again.

Says Scott Adams in Episode 1334 of his daily talk on YouTube (he was talking about traumatic experiences and the best ways to deal with them, as part of a larger effort to be the author of your own experience of reality): “The weird thing about reality is that sometimes an inaccurate view of reality is more functional. Sometimes an accurate view of reality is exactly what you need, but there are lots of situations where an inaccurate view of reality is better. Now I won’t give you examples. I’m just going to make that claim for now so don’t worry if this seems like too much of a simplification and you say to yourself but you’re leaving something out. It doesn’t matter for a reframing. You’re trying to keep it simple so that people can hold it in their minds. [If] I get this about eighty percent right, that’s all you need. [Forget] about, you know, being pedantic. The twenty percent where you’re saying, ‘But is it really just genes and traumas? Isn’t it also some positive …’ Forget about that. Just keep it simple. Your brain is your genes; your traumas the bad things that have happened to you; and the things that you do intentionally to make it better [are the hacks]. […] One example of a brain hack is education. So you get some education – it physically changes your brain to be more productive. And you did it intentionally, all right. [We] all agree that’s a simple thing to do. And another hack is intelligent skill stacking – putting skills together in an intelligent way that they become greater than the value of the individual skills. […] Here’s some more [examples]: associating self-rewards with habits you want to deepen is a hack. You’re literally programming your brain by rewarding yourself for this thing you want to do more often. Learning to put things in context is a hack. Practicing optimism is a hack. If you make your system – your habit – to routinely learn and test new hacks, you become the author of your own mind. And because your experience of reality is subjective, you become the author of your own experience. Your experience of life is subjective, right? Life itself might be objective, probably … there’s probably something there. But the way you experience life is purely subjective. And you can change that. And so I summarize by saying, be the hack not the trauma. Now when I say that your brain is formed by traumas in part what I’m talking about is … let’s say there was a bully who always teased you about your looks. Well, that could scar you so that you would always be concerned about your looks. [That] trauma of the bully just becomes part of your permanent personality because it actually rewires your brain. A hack does the same thing but you’re doing it intentionally to create a good outcome, all right? [If] you learn to sort of continually scour your environment for little psychology tricks, hypnosis tricks … affirmations is an optimism hack basically and a focus hack … If you make it your lifetime practice to look for ways to hack your mind and then test them out, you will be the author of your own experience. Otherwise you’re just going to be the recipient of the experience. Otherwise the world will program you. The world is going to program you if you don’t do it yourself. [You] will become just your traumas. Be the hack not the trauma. Now there’s … that’s the whole message right there.”

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Two possibilities and a few questions about accepting responsibility

SUNDAY, 14 MARCH 2021

Possibility one:

We are largely responsible for how we experience life. We don’t usually choose what happens to us, but we have to a significant degree control over how we respond to what happens to us, and therefore we have some control over what impact it has on our lives.

This would mean that people who were on the wrong side of government policy, such as during the apartheid years in South Africa, or similar periods in America, also had a significant degree of control over their reactions. Other people were responsible for the unethical and sometimes cruel policies, but the people on the wrong side of it had control over how they reacted to it, and this reaction – from acceptance to armed opposition – in turn influenced their experience of reality.

Possibility two:

We have no control to any significant degree over how we experience life. We have no control over what happens to us, and our reactions have little impact. Plus, our reactions and attitudes towards what happens to us are anyways largely dictated by our culture and how we have been programmed since childhood. This means people on the receiving end of unethical policies and cruel governments and other institutions that exercise power over them are victims who have to take what comes their way. That’s just how it is. Sometimes you’re on top, and sometimes you get crushed, and then you die.

The questions:

Which of the two views on life would ideologues of Apartheid South Africa have preferred black and brown people embrace in the decades prior to the 1990s? You have the power to do something about your suffering, or accept your fate?

Which of the two views on life would ideologues of the resistance movements during the apartheid years, people like Nelson Mandela and Steve Biko, have preferred black and brown people embraced? What about civil rights leaders in America in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries – people like Frederick Douglass, Marcus Garvey, W.E.B. du Bois, Malcolm X, and Martin Luther King? Did they think people had the ability to improve their experience of reality, or did they believe people simply had to accept their fate?

* * *

For the record, the person who commits a crime, or who plans or executes an unjust political or social order, does so out of free will. He does not have to do it. He chooses to do so and is therefore morally and legally responsible for his actions.

* * *

A fundamental aspect of this whole discussion was articulated by Scott Adams a few years ago after Kanye West made headlines over his remarks about slavery. In response to someone else who said Kanye West was guilty of “disgusting victim blaming”, Adams said: “I believe the proposition on the table is that giving yourself a victim identity is less productive than looking forward.”

* * *

Steve Biko, Malcolm X and even W.E.B. du Bois were not exactly non-racial integrationists. One could even argue that especially Steve Biko and Malcolm X (at least earlier in his career) were Black Supremacists. What I say about victim mentality, historical oppression, accepting responsibility even for your own suffering as a way to empower yourself is not affected at all. If you think non-racial integration is more ideal, you might have a problem with Biko or X. But at least they had a positive outlook on the future, right? They looked at a future where black and brown people would do better because they would actively create a better future for themselves, which included convincing white people with political and bureaucratic power that a more just order is better for all.

Quotes from Steve Biko (1946-1977)

“Obviously the only path open for us now is to redefine the message in the bible and to make it relevant to the struggling masses. The bible must not be seen to preach that all authority is divinely instituted. It must rather preach that it is a sin to allow oneself to be oppressed.”

“So as a prelude whites must be made to realise that they are only human, not superior. Same with Blacks. They must be made to realise that they are also human, not inferior.”

“The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.”

“It becomes more necessary to see the truth as it is if you realise that the only vehicle for change are these people who have lost their personality. The first step therefore is to make the black man come to himself; to pump back life into his empty shell; to infuse him with pride and dignity, to remind him of his complicity in the crime of allowing himself to be misused and therefore letting evil reign supreme in the country of his birth.”

Quotes from Malcom X (1925-1965)

“Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you’re a man, you take it.”

“Any time you beg another man to set you free, you will never be free. Freedom is something that you have to do for yourselves.”

“No, we are not anti-white. But we don’t have time for the white man. The white man is on top already, the white man is the boss already … He has first-class citizenship already. So you are wasting your time talking to the white man. We are working on our own people.”

Quotes from Marcus Garvey (1887-1940)

“Ambition is the desire to go forward and improve one’s condition. It is a burning flame that lights up the life of the individual and makes him see himself in another state. To be ambitious is to be great in mind and soul. To want that which is worthwhile and strive for it. To go on without looking back, reaching to that which gives satisfaction.”

“The man who is not able to develop and use his mind is bound to be the slave of the other man who uses his mind.”

“The white man has succeeded in subduing the world by forcing everybody to think his way. The white man’s propaganda has made him the master of the world, and all those who have come in contact with it and accepted it have become his slaves.”

“Liberate the minds of men and ultimately you will liberate the bodies of men.”

“Before we can properly help the people, we have to destroy the old education … that teaches them that somebody is keeping them back and that God has forgotten them and that they can’t rise because of their color … we can only build … with faith in ourselves and with self-reliance, believing in our own possibilities, that we can rise to the highest in God’s creation.”

Quotes from Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)

“We have to do with the past only as we can make it useful to the present and the future.”

“No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck.”

“I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.”

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Do with the facts what you will

WEDNESDAY, 10 MARCH 2021

It’s already 2021?

It’s already March?

It’s already Wednesday? The tenth?

You’re already 32, or 49, or 57? You’ve made it this far? Other folks already died at 24, or 42, or 53 …

You’ve made it to Wednesday? There are people who died on Monday!

You’ve made it to March? There are a lot of people who didn’t see the end of January!

2021? How many people – of your age – stopped breathing years ago?

The tenth of this month? There are people who didn’t see the end of the first week!

Be grateful for the time you have every day? Do with it what you will. I’m just stating what everyone should already know is the truth.

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