Author: Brand Smit

TUESDAY, 7 SEPTEMBER 2004

00:40

If anyone should ask me what the result is of ten years of thinking and writing about “things”, I would at first want to mention several themes. In practical terms however it comes down to an increasing conviction that I now understand how things work, that I am ready to move on. Also, that the day-to-day struggle for survival, for satisfying needs is a game in which I do not really want to participate anymore. What almost seems like a suicide wish is rather what I now call withdrawal – to “die” as participant in this world. Although the idea, superficially seen, is attractive – no more arguments or explanations, no more conventions or rules, I still hesitate at the crossroads: withdraw, or get involved?

(And then there is the possibility that the last five or ten years of my life – my last year in Stellenbosch, two years in Korea, and so far almost six years in Taiwan, can in a way be seen as my withdrawal from the world.)

A few months ago, I said: Find yourself.

Now I say: Lose yourself, or be yourself for a good cause.

08:19

What would your personality, your identity, who and what you are, look like if it were not built on fear – fear of want, fear of poverty, fear of death, fear of pain, and fear of loneliness?

14:16

Again, if you eventually get to the point where you declare that you know who you are, and you know why you are this person and not someone or something else, you may also realise that the search for your “real, anonymous self” has only just started.

You then stand before a choice: reduce the necessity to be who you are now – for the sake of functioning in a particular environment – by withdrawing from the world (relatively speaking); or, choose and start fulfilling a role (with the conscious knowledge that it is a role), and apply your knowledge, your experience, your skills and your personality in a way that gives your life value in a particular environment and at a particular time in world history.

In other words: Be who you are (now), for the sake of a good cause.

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(Read: “Lose yourself, or apply yourself”)

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MONDAY, 6 SEPTEMBER 2004

Fear is the foundation on which the House of Life and Functional Identity is built. The question is, what lies buried beneath the house?

* * *

The options: Withdraw or Get Involved

* * *

“Fulfil your mission on earth through engagement with the world.”

Serve your purpose and leave … or stay and enjoy the show for as long as your ticket is valid?

* * *

If the answer is to withdraw, what then is the meaning of the way humans are born?

* * *

The Buddha abandoned his wife and new-born child and walked into the wilderness.

Jesus became involved. He gave comfort, relieved pain where he could, and sacrificed himself – his physical self – for a “good cause”.

Muhammad also became involved. He waged war to transform the world so that people can live their lives in the “correct” way (according to his convictions).

* * *

Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha) withdrew into the wilderness. Muhammad also initially withdrew – to a cave. Jesus spent forty days and forty nights in the desert.

Both Jesus and Muhammad withdrew … and then got involved.

Even Nietzsche’s hero – the eventual “superman” – withdrew for a decade, and then started with an attempt to redeem people from their ignorance.

* * *

So: Withdraw … and reappear as a transformed person – one with an agenda, a cause for which you are willing to die?

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SATURDAY, 4 SEPTEMBER 2004

In transit, and thinking (about schemes and plans)

(Kuala Lumpur International Airport)

09:47

“Aircraft Interior Maintenance ASU” is stencilled on the side of the truck on the runway. Behind me, an empty corridor stretches for about half a mile into the heart of this part of the airport complex.

“… to Hanoi, ready for boarding at Gate C6,” a Malaysian woman announces. Her voice is beautiful, and strong.

“Barang bang, barang bang,” she announces again, “… to Bangkok … for immediate boarding” is the only part I manage to make out (I can’t write and listen).

“Longer and more frequently,” I remind myself of a thought I had earlier this morning about visits to my family. I play around with the idea for another couple of minutes before mumbling to myself, “More frequently is more important than longer.” I conclude with a preliminary, pencil-written plan in my head: December, April and August.

Welcome back

(Fengshan City, Taiwan)

21:15

I don’t really have an “integrated view of existence”. I do have a lot of building blocks, though.

Welcome back, by the way.

23:15

The silence of wide open spaces …

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FRIDAY, 3 SEPTEMBER 2004

(Johannesburg)

It is simple, it is obvious, and everyone knows it, but it is nevertheless useful to mention: in order to survive, you need to function. Identity (all those answers to the “Who am I?” question) serves a purpose, and that purpose is to enable you to function in a particular environment, at a particular historical time.

The question is then, is this who you really are?

The suggestion appears to be that to truly find yourself, you should lose yourself. This is a risk in the particular environments we live in and at this particular historical time. In order to survive, we must be able to function, and in order to function, we need to be able to introduce ourselves to others in our environment (we must identify ourselves, and for that we need what is called “identity”).

It can further be said that the environment (or environments) in which we are expected to function – and then within certain established boundaries of acceptability – is not conducive to taking such gigantic steps like “losing” oneself. (If there were a map of the psyche, such a place where you could lose yourself would be marked with the warning, “Here be dragons!”)

The only way a person could thus discover his or her “true self” in this life would be to withdraw to a place where they can still survive, but without functioning in fellowship with other people (for which they would need so-called identity).

Interesting to see what two specific religions have to say on this subject.

To some extent this is what Buddhism proposes – to withdraw from society, to not get attached to the material world, and to focus your energy on preparing for the eventual release of the immortal element of your person from the seemingly endless cycle of life and death.

Christianity tells of Jesus who had a particular identity and who functioned relatively well at the time and in the place where he had been born, as both a carpenter and a preacher – the latter being relatively successful up until his death. He lived according to his beliefs, and ultimately died for what he believed in; or to put it differently, when the choice was put to him to water down his beliefs or die for them, he refused to deny himself or to renounce his beliefs. Jesus then sacrificed himself – who and what he was as a person; he died in, and according to the Christian faith, for this world, and eventually became, according to Christian doctrine, who he really is – God. According to Christian teachings, he therefore died as a particular man … and became Universal God.

[Certain theologians and clever preachers might point out that Jesus as Particular Human was concurrently Universal God. Although this point is of great theological importance, this text is not the right platform to give this topic more attention.]

* * *

Perhaps the purpose of this life is not to go where the dragons lie, that is, to “lose” yourself, but to get involved, to take sides, and to offer yourself, as it were, for a “good cause”.

Apply yourself therefore in this life to the realisation of good things, and prepare yourself through that for whatever awaits beyond your earthly existence. (I am aware of the dramatic new direction I am taking here.)

* * *

“I’ve converted to a new faith.”

“Oh? What’s it called?”

“It’s called … oh heck, I don’t know what it’s called. Does it matter?”

* * *

I repeat what I wrote in a previous note: Perhaps the purpose of this life is not to lose oneself in order to find your truer, purer self, but to apply yourself, who and what you are right now, to a good cause.

[Why not just “apply” yourself to your own happiness?

I know my own reasons, my own motivations, what is good enough for me and what is not. I can therefore not answer this question for anyone other than myself … for now.]

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(Also read: Some afterthoughts to “Lose yourself, or apply yourself”)

______________________

MONDAY, 30 AUGUST 2004

I can solemnly declare that my stomach is churning at the thought of once again, in four days’ time, exchanging this reality with my “real” life. I look forward to being back in my own home, in my personal headquarters – but that’s about all I am currently positive about.

What else is there to my life in Taiwan that I can look forward to? Deep fried on a Saturday evening? Cheap VCDs? Dates at the coffee shop? Lunch boxes with oily vegetables? My bicycle? All these things can be replaced with other, similar things right here in this place.

What I am looking forward to is spending time again in my own headquarters. I miss the comfort and familiarity of my own place.

I have been walking around for three weeks with the idea that I can find happiness here, in Bronkhorstspruit. What I need is money, a house, and a comrade who understands my cause. There is also the idea of the “island”* and the question of what mainland you’re connected to. Six months here, six months there …

———–

* [The concept of the “island” refers to the place you create for yourself. This home – house, apartment, or whatever – is then the island where you live. The “mainland” is the town or city where you will go when you need supplies, or when you need to spend some time in a spot other than your island.

The idea came to me when my sister, my brother-in-law and I made a brief visit to someone in the town of Vryheid in northern Kwazulu-Natal. This man lives in a fairly new part of town – I am not really a new part of town type of person, and this fairly new suburb is just outside Vryheid – and I have never been too keen on settling down in this particular town.

Still, the man’s house was warm and pleasant, and I realised that one’s home is like an island – when you are there, amongst your own stuff, and under your own palm tree, so to speak, it doesn’t matter that much if you don’t care for the nearest “mainland”.]

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