Assorted Notes

WEDNESDAY, 27 APRIL 2005

My tendency to despair, and the increase in frustration and boredom, and even the occasional drop in confidence can all be traced to the fact that I, “Brand Smit”, do not currently produce any significant literature that serves a good purpose. As I mentioned yesterday, it boils down to the strong possibility that I will experience existential angst similar to what a neophyte “Christian” will experience who do not regularly get confirmation from his or her community of fellow believers – with the difference that I do not need confirmation from any community. My personal religion and related confirmation is … TO BE WHO I SAY I AM.

FRIDAY, 29 APRIL 2005

11:38

I think the one reason why I haven’t been able to continue with my thoughts on certain subjects is because I am like a McDonald’s franchise owner who actually wants to serve health food. I want to go further, I want to move on, but the only way I can do that is to change the format and structure of my establishment.

I have to start doing research. I have to become more disciplined in my investigations.

[The McDonald’s analogy does not work so well. What is important is that I reckoned my ideas on all the issues I have been writing about since … 1994 … are not going forward. I also thought my approach of one paragraph here and a note there has to be reconsidered. What I thought I should do is research; to research a subject properly from the bottom up.]

17:49

[Note on a project that is coming along well.]

I just mention this because I hate it when ropes and yarns and seams start loosening up, or when tent flaps start fluttering in the wind.

Which brings me to a related issue: Do other people also sometimes get the idea that their lives seem to be only two weeks away from total chaos? I am talking about ordinary things like personal health and laundry and general hygiene; I am not talking about bigger factors over which no one has any control.

19:47

Faith in your fellow human beings and in life itself is foolishness. / Foolishness is essential to having faith in your fellow human beings, and in having faith in life itself.

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SATURDAY, 23 APRIL 2005

What is love?

Love is a willingness and a free conscious choice to keep someone else’s needs, well-being and best interests at heart*. Romantic love is when this willingness combines with a strong desire* to be with this person, to share* your life with him or her, and to have this person share his or her life with you.

Asterisks:

to keep at heart = to consider something of great importance; to at least take co-responsibility for something

strong desire = a need which, if not met, may lead to emotional distress

to share = to not keep what makes you happy or what is important to you, or what makes you sad, or what causes you pain or discomfort to yourself

MONDAY, 25 APRIL 2005

14:17

I do not ALWAYS, IMMEDIATELY understand EVERYTHING …

18:34

There are incidents that come out of the blue, and unleash a reaction. Then there is the creeping variety, a greyness that comes from far away, that erodes resistance piece by piece until you are forced, on a Monday in April, to admit to yourself: I am not always so sure of things.

* * *

It is like this: You work and you work and you work, and then, one morning, an image appears from the fog. You see a man’s face, and you see him grin or smile about something. You shrug your shoulders and ask, “What?”

The man replies: “I see you are working your ass off. Have you ever considered the possibility that nothing will ever come of it? That all of this is for nothing?”

20:28

Shame and so on. Since when do I give myself over to such cheap mental tricks?

Plus, I know where it comes from: from the same brackish spring it flowed from last April.

Solution: WRITE.

TUESDAY, 26 APRIL 2005

18:03

“Life in the city is merely a wormlike biological existence where man lives and dies meaninglessly.” ~ Muammar Qaddafi

[The fact that he believed this probably made it easier for him to make it a reality for many people in Libyan cities.]

21:23

To be “Brand Smit” is my personal religion.

If someone converts to a religion, the event is usually accompanied by feelings of euphoria and an improved sense of personal well-being and security – place in the cosmos, identity, sin and salvation, “Eternal Life” and so on. The New Convert can however not simply convert one Friday evening at a gathering and – voila! – the wonderful euphoria and well-being and sense of security last forever. He or she must, starting on Day Two, regularly follow certain rituals to confirm his or her new identity and cosmic status.

THINGS MUST REGULARLY BE DONE TO CONFIRM IDENTITY AND COSMIC STATUS – YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ULTIMATE REALITY!

I cannot just know I am “Brand Smit”. It is simply not good enough. The creeping greyness from the past three weeks has once again confirmed what I have also realised in the past: IF I DO NOT WRITE, I AM NOT WHO I SAY I AM.

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MONDAY, 18 APRIL 2005

An American aid worker (a woman named “Marla”) died last weekend in Iraq (roadside bomb). She was probably in many ways an ordinary woman – as ordinary a person as most of us. What was extraordinary about her was her value for a certain community of people who are trapped in a primitive struggle for survival. What was extraordinary about her was her willingness to lose her life for this struggle.

TUESDAY, 19 APRIL 2005

I am, believe it or not, developing sensitivity to the correlation between my efforts and reward in terms of the work I do at home. I mean, I’ve been working on certain projects for how long? That has brought in how much money? And exactly how many people have read what I write? And it does not help that any day now my bicycle is going to deconstruct into ten different parts on the way to the train station, or that my TV’s sound is still screwed up, or that my computer is getting slower by the day, or that I still haven’t been to the dentist … but you remain standing as long as you don’t fall, and the struggle is a daily one. And to complain about such nonsense is after all middle-class.

THURSDAY, 21 APRIL 2005

Walter Reuther (1907-1970), American labour leader: “There is no greater calling than to serve your fellow man. There is no greater contribution than to help the weak. There is no greater satisfaction than to have done it well.”

FRIDAY, 22 APRIL 2005

12:01

The question is not whether or not each one of us is a fool; the question is what we do with our lives in spite of the fact.

The question is also not whether or not each one of us is going to die …

14:16

For centuries philosophers have been contemplating the question of what reality is – what is real, and what is not.

To a large extent I accept the material world as it appears to me. If I see something I recognise from experience as a “table”, I accept the object before my eyes as indeed a table. I also accept the validity of the sounds related to that specific object.

My own interest lay more with the individual “self”. I accept that statements like, “I know who I am” and “I believe in myself,” and terms such as “self-confidence” only have relative value – that is, relative to the environment in which the person finds himself. Make a radical shift to another habitat, or radically change the environment, and suddenly the person may not “know” quite so clearly who he is; he might also not be so sure of himself, and his so-called “confidence” will probably shrink with his self-knowledge and associated self-belief.

What is true for the person regarding his own self, this is what keeps my attention, not so much whether a table or a telephone or a slice of toast is really real.

I know smarter people can argue that there is a connection – and I believe there is, philosophically speaking. However, because of limited time I choose to focus on what is real for the individual person, about him- or herself.

[The probability is strong that I misunderstand what philosophers have been searching for over the centuries.]

18:15

Time spent in any place is worth the proverbial effort if you have used the time to achieve positive results. The idea that you could also have achieved similar results in a different place is of passing interest and maybe not even worth noting. What is important is the process, the goal, the end result. The place is either conducive, or not conducive, and should be judged according to this measure.

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THURSDAY, 14 APRIL 2005

I reckon I can justify being in a bad mood. I look at the amount of work, the labour from months and weeks and days and hours sown during the past four years on the field of projects with financial gain as primary goal.

I also look at my current financial capabilities.

Finally, I look at how I would like to improve my quality of life and trips I would like to take, and then at how I talk about these two issues; also the fact that I am still caught up in the “process”, with fruit of my labour and final results still only in theory on the horizon, and always just a few days’ journey away.

I am not saying I’m discouraged; I am simply saying I think it is okay if I have a little grumble about it …

FRIDAY, 15 APRIL 2005

17:59

Be kind to animals, and to ignorant and unenlightened human beings. (Says some or another hermit with a long beard. If I say it, it comes across as arrogant – for whatever that matters.)

20:14

I can say what I like about the boredom of an English class (one taught by yours truly), but there are a few things that I should bear in mind: English teaching in Taiwan have paid my bills for the past more than six years; it has provided me with a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back; it has also enabled me to keep my student loans under control; it has kept my water and electricity going, and my computer and printer in working condition. In short, English teaching in Taiwan has kept the organism which is me alive for the past 75 months.

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FRIDAY, 8 APRIL 2005

What do you need?

You need a partner, someone who understands you, who understands where you come from and what your idea of a future looks like, who accepts your flaws and limitations and who respects your strengths and your view of yourself; someone who recognises your potential and your talents; someone who confirms your positive view of who and what you are. You also need a place – a home, somewhere you can let go of your measures, where you can relax, where you can thrive, where you can grow into who you want to be.

You need honest and genuine love.

TUESDAY, 12 APRIL 2005

Over the past few hours I have (again) become aware of a few things:

* life is always a struggle – at first (or continuously) for survival, and then to either maintain a good life, or for something better – an extraordinary life, according to your own standards;

* there are so many things to fear it is almost a miracle that we are not so fearful all the time that it impedes our functioning;

* considering the previous point, it can be said that confidence is the hallmark of a fool – but, as an excellent illustration of the contradictions of life, you will accomplish nothing if you do not have confidence;

* I find myself quite absurd in the classroom – at home I apply my self-awareness and my abilities to productive and most interesting work, then suddenly I appear in an environment with rules and regulations and conventions, in a shirt that was chosen to go well with my trousers, with my poor Chinese pronunciation and my fabricated “professional” English accent.

Also became aware of what I want to do that I do not currently do; things I still want to know that I do not currently know; skills I want to master which I have not yet mastered; questions I have that I do not know the answers to – for example, what the difference is between an archbishop and a cardinal (train arrives, 21:30).

WEDNESDAY, 13 APRIL 2005

One must believe it is POSSIBLE
for YOU
to be FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT

that it is furthermore POSSIBLE
for YOU
to be HAPPY

and that it is POSSIBLE
for YOU
to make a POSITIVE CONTRIBUTION

Too many people believe in only one thing: that what has been “given” to them, including socio-economic status and accompanying role, function, and relative value to the community, is the best they can and will ever get out of life; that it may even be vain and arrogant to nurture ambitions beyond that range. These beliefs will in my opinion be to a large extent responsible for that remaining their reality.

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