Middle-class intellectuals – leaving something behind

SUNDAY, 25 SEPTEMBER 2005

Who were the leaders of successful communist revolutions? Who were the leaders of the Russian Revolution? Is it true or is it not true that the leaders were middle-class intellectuals who envied the industrialists and other members of the ruling class their political and economic power, and who saw the potential of carrying out a revolution, not in the name of and for the sake of middle-class intellectuals, but in the name of the working masses?

Did the Bolsheviks really intend to hand over control of the state to politically unsophisticated and in some cases illiterate factory workers and peasants? It was their intention to train the workers and peasants as political masters of their own state … but it would have been in the distant future. For the foreseeable future, it was (once again) the time of the middle-class intellectual …

[As I understand it, the plan was certainly not to hand over the reins of the state to workers whose hands were still stained with oil and grime from a hard day’s labour in the factory. But they did actively attempt to educate the workers in political and economic matters. There were also leaders later on, not only in the Soviet Union but also in Eastern Europe who had legitimate working-class credentials. It is also true that the Bolsheviks brutally suppressed efforts from workers, soldiers and sailors to bring to power a more democratic government, in opposition to the Bolsheviks.]

WEDNESDAY, 28 SEPTEMBER 2005

It is like being in a shopping centre and not knowing where you are for a moment. You can describe your immediate environment, but you do not know where you are on the map of the wider area in which you find yourself. Then you see a board with the welcome indication: “You are here.”

So it is with some of my notes. I can describe my current life, but some notes are more than description: they are like a board with a map of my life, with a bold red dot and an arrow that says, “This is where you are on Wednesday, 28 September 2005.”

THURSDAY, 29 SEPTEMBER 2005

Ten hope that they will leave something of value behind of their lives on Earth. Six realise after X number of years as an adult that the only way they can leave something behind of their lives while playing a satisfactory role is to have children. Three eventually come to believe that they have no chance of leaving behind anything or playing any kind of significant role, or they have no motivation for the actions that will be required of them to leave something of value behind or to play a more or less valuable role.

* * *

The above is an oversimplified representation. In fact, many probably start with the process of leaving something behind, things go wrong, and their lives end stripped of all dignity and self-respect.

Other people have children in a desperate attempt to appear better to themselves and to family and friends, and then, ten years later, as a result of a confluence of circumstances they play a prominent role or make a positive contribution, in addition to raising their children, that will leave an indelible and very constructive result of their existence.

And then there are others who reckon hedonism is their happy fate and personal religion, who sometimes end up as martyrs for a good cause for which they as hedonists, years earlier, never would have pinched off a minute of their time.

FRIDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2005

The pursuit of any goal comes down to X number of physical actions.

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Red light traffic – How do you … – chaos

MONDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER 2005

I should forget about a so-called Ideal Self. I should work on a Better General Situation, Better Quality of Life, Better Health, a Better Income, a Better Bank Balance.

SATURDAY, 10 SEPTEMBER 2005

A guy in a minibus slides over a red light at a T-junction while talking on his cell phone. I lose my temper. Almost immediately I am annoyed with myself for losing my temper. I know anger is a manifestation of powerlessness.

But of what is his action a manifestation? It is all about traffic rules and chaos? Or is it also about people who must take responsibility for others whose lives may be affected by their actions? His action was a manifestation of disrespect toward life that flows in the veins of other people who use the road with him, and whose lives are affected by his blatant irresponsibility.

He represents the kind of person for whom I reserve but one emotion.

MONDAY, 12 SEPTEMBER 2005

Who, what and why have been prominent questions for me the past few years.

“How?” is another important matter.

Examples: How do you function? How do you know anything? How do you choose?

SATURDAY, 17 SEPTEMBER 2005

A problematic situation: private embarrassment; nowhere to hide and regain your dignity.

THURSDAY, 22 SEPTEMBER 2005

09:32

For some time now I have been moaning about dishes and dust and laundry and dirty tiles and chaos that threatens to collapse in on me every day.

Then, last night, as I was busy throwing something away or tidying up somewhere I realised: It is a struggle, and I win as long as chaos does not collapse in on me. And this struggle is a daily challenge.

21:34

The moment of recovery is not when you are 100% motivated and active again, it is when you get up from the couch, switch on the light above your desk, and continue to go through the actions.

FRIDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER 2005

1. I am executor of behaviour, constructive and/or destructive, with Objective X in mind, and/or in the name of Person Y, and/or for the benefit of Person Z.

2. All contemplations and arguments come down to us either being executors of a plan that pre-dates our existence, or we have to be very smart with our lives.

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Fruits of my labour

MONDAY, 29 AUGUST 2005

10:40

What do you do if the spectrum of self models with which you are faced is insufficient – if you cannot find a suitable match for you proprium*?

[Proprium: “The centerpiece of personality serving to help give the individual a sense of self.” The Psychology of Personality: Viewpoints, Research, and Applications, by Bernardo J. Carducci]

17:29

Fruits of my labour. Fruit of my existence.

21:01

I feel good about one thing and there is one thing that bothers me.

I feel good about an Afrikaans poem of mine [translated title: “Day full of civilisation”] that I rewrote, or radically revised. The thing that bothers me: So what? It’s not like anyone is going to read it any time soon! A collection of poetry? Two volumes of poetry? How many people are actually ever going to read any of it?

Another idea is already jumping up and down trying to get attention (“Pick me! Pick me!” it would have yelled if it were a child): money, and more specifically the pursuit of financial wealth. What would I say to someone today, Monday, 29 August 2005 if that person were to throw a card on the table that says: one hour spent on making money is better than ten hours spent on creative projects for the sake of being creative, with financial gain a secondary motivation and slim possibility. Also: any personal project, any study project, any skills that are learned only have value if you end up with more money in your pocket as a result. Also: you live in Cloud Cuckoo Land if you do not recognise these facts of life, and if you spend precious time – time you could have spent earning money – on writing poetry … I mean, come on! Poetry?! Are you serious?! And the trump card: money is an immediate fruit of your labour, an immediate result of time spent that can be used to buy food and fruit juice and coffee and tea and clothing, and to pay rent, and to travel, and to buy other things that will increase the quality of your life.

“You understand this, don’t you?” the person will say. “Almost immediate fruits of your labour! But you spend your time on, what? Literary projects with profit as a slim possibility in the distant future? English textbooks, okay. But poetry?”

What I would say to this challenge to a life I have chosen for myself, to beliefs that I consider as crucial to my existence?

TUESDAY, 30 AUGUST 2005

15:52

When I teach, I know what the fruits of my labour are – it is expressed in exact monetary value, and I have a good idea what the concrete, tangible value of that money is.

The tangible, usable, edible, visible fruit of conventional labour, in my case English classes, should be taken into account when I mention “money”.

20:20

I am currently struggling with the fruits of my labour. For example, I spent six weeks reviewing material from FINAL CHAPTER. Are the fruits of this labour visible? On my computer screen, yes. Is it tangible? No. Can I share it with someone? Not at the moment. Can I show it to anyone? Sort of – on my computer screen.

On the other hand, I teach an English class for an hour. I know what the fruits of that labour will be: NT$700. I know when I will pick this fruit: next Wednesday. Will I be able to see the fruits of that particular effort? Yes, in a cinema for example. Will I be able to eat the fruit of that labour? Yes, as breakfast cereal and yogurt, and lunch and dinner. Are the fruits of my teaching job tangible and concrete, for me? Yes. Are the fruits of my creative work concrete and tangible? They will be after a few more weeks or months of additional work …

I could argue that I want to teach more classes at the moment because I need more money. But I also know that I am motivated by the desire to see the fruits of my labour sooner rather than later, and to taste it, and to feel it on my skin, and to experience it.

20:52

Am I saying that labour should necessarily provide cash or other forms of credit that can be exchanged for things one can feel, taste, drink, see and possible smell and hear?

No. Three examples: to raise children; to actively do charity work; and to learn other languages.

Most of my effort – by far the most! – over the past five years has been ploughed into writing projects. It will certainly be unfair to say that no project has ever been completed (unfinished projects are not the same as projects that are endlessly revised). I would however ask: Where is the fruit? Show me the fruit of five years of effort!

I am a little hard on myself … I know the fruit will be sweet … but I need to express my frustration.

Last night I shared the thought with [N.] that money – hard cash – is a fruit of your labour that you can almost immediately enjoy, and that I put most of my effort into work that may only bear fruit in x number of months (or even years!). She replied that my fruits will eventually be good, even if it takes a little long to realise. And then the real comfort: “If you didn’t write, I would’ve considered you just an ordinary guy … and would probably not even have gone out with you. Your writing,” she concluded, “makes you special.”

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Existential questions – enlightened vanguards – self models

TUESDAY, 23 AUGUST 2005

10:00

Me: “In the language of our time, I say …”

Crowd: “One-zero!”

Me: “Make your choice.”

14:25

“I exist.”

I exist – but how? and why?

“I function.”

I function – how? why?

“I appear.”

I appear – but where? how? to whom? and why?

FRIDAY, 26 AUGUST 2005

My vision of an ideal world: in any given community a vanguard of enlightened men and women – all competent people, producers of knowledge and insights, artists, writers, designers, and other professions – who strive for positive results of their own lives – results that would inevitably be to the advantage of the communities where they live and work.

SATURDAY, 27 AUGUST 2005

In the end, I can only bear witness to my own life: how I made decisions, what I decided, how I defined myself, and so on.

SUNDAY, 28 AUGUST 2005

Choose your self model. Bob Dylan, for example, chose the model of “American folksinger”, which in turn was based on another model, which in turn was based on an earlier model, until you get to the earliest archetype. Dylan, in turn, made his mark on the model. Many who came after him based themselves on the “Bob Dylan” model.

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At my happiest – choices and actions

THURSDAY, 11 AUGUST 2005

14:10

It is good to live in harmony with your surroundings. It is good to compare your life with the lives of other people and to come to the conclusion that your choices are also good, and explainable; that they can even be offered to others as a valid option for an adult at the time and environment in which you live.

I would like to believe that I do not need the approval or endorsement of others. What I do want is to be able to look at my own life and to be able to declare with conviction that my life is also good, that the choices I have made were right for me, that my life also has a claim to wall space in the Gallery of Adult Lives.

16:37

Boring Fact That I Have Recited So Many Times That I Can Repeat It In My Sleep, Number One: I am at my happiest when I am working on my own projects – when I am busy with free, creative work under my own control.

* * *

“At your happiest?” someone might ask. “What about your relationship?”

Reply: If I were not in a good relationship, the fulfilment I experience when I am busy with my own work would have been mixed with quite a few other emotions. Without my creative work, without my projects, I would not be half the man that I currently am in my relationship. Among other things, I would have constantly questioned my own value and attractiveness as a person and a partner.

SUNDAY, 14 AUGUST 2005

I, myself, and the truth about madness and lies: from a dream

SUNDAY, 21 AUGUST 2005

Each of us is the result of choices that thousands of people made over the centuries, and actions they took or did not take or took by error – from an impulsive decision to get on a boat to another continent, or not to get on a boat that eventually ended up on the bottom of the ocean, to swords that just missed an important organ, or an ancestor centuries ago that ducked just in time to see a stone fly over his head instead of crushing his skull.

MONDAY, 22 AUGUST 2005

01:15

Epistemology: How do you know anything?

09:20

Debate, experiment, “For it is said …”

How do you know what is being said is true?

“Because …”

17:50

Am I still chasing after wind eggs … okay, wrong question. Am I still running through a muddy field, chasing after a rainbow? Or am I actually going to arrive, eventually?

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