Assorted Notes

SATURDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2009

The question, “How can I make money?” is problematic. It focuses on the one who is supposed to make money, and how can you expect to make money with something that focuses on the one who needs the money?

A better series of questions can be suggested: In what ways can I give value to someone else’s life that will also put money in my pocket? How can I contribute to an increase in someone else’s life quality in ways that will also bring me some profit? In what ways can I add value to something that someone else is producing or has produced that will help me pay my rent?

This is not the first time I think along these lines, but what happens every time is I open my eyes after a few weeks or a few months to see that I have once again lost track, that I have once again started asking: What can I sell? How can I make money with this project?

Unless you have the ability and the means to speculate with capital, the answer to the question of how you can make money will always be by providing value to people willing to pay for it.

MONDAY, 23 NOVEMBER 2009

20:46

I only need one thing when I go to South Africa in three weeks and five days’ time, and it is not a lot of money. My only request is that I manifest calm confidence in myself.

It is true that money is usually a source of superficial self-confidence. Many people’s heads also spin from sheer confusion if you are calm and confident even though you don’t have or make a lot of money.

The question is, can you respect yourself if your wallet is on the thin side? Can you really manifest calm confidence in yourself if you have to pinch your coins before you spend them?

There are ultimately many reasons why someone isn’t rolling in the money, or why they don’t have easy access to credit. If other people find it difficult to respect you if you don’t have money, that is their problem. If you can still respect yourself even when you’re broke, cash flow is your only problem.

21:41

Animals can smell fear and react instinctively to it. Likewise, most people can sense a lack of self-esteem in another person. Again, the response is involuntary.

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MONDAY, 5 OCTOBER 2009

In the words of a popular Afrikaans poet: “I presumed so much, I believed so much, and yet, I proved so little.” Or, to quote Steven Wright: “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

Well, I did believe a lot, and propagated much. I did try a lot of things and I am still trying, and what might be called conventional success eludes me still – just about, I might add. I always believe I am hot on its trail.

Finally, I wear my failures and my embarrassments like a boxer wears his scars – it isn’t who I am, but it does say: I’ve been in the ring. I don’t hide the proof, and I do not wear a mask.

FRIDAY, 16 OCTOBER 2009

Why I do not make more money, explanation number 78:

From the beginning, in May 2006, I focused on the short-term; I never focused on developing online brands and online properties and monetising them for long-term income. I worked on things that I thought would quickly make up for lost income from classes that had been cancelled during my visit to South Africa in April 2006.

Also, as I noted at some point, I had underestimated some things, and I made other things more complicated than they were.

And it probably doesn’t help that I am the kind of person who wants to find his own way rather than to listen to what other people who have already achieved a measure of success in a particular area have to say, and then to follow neatly in their footsteps.

THURSDAY, 29 OCTOBER 2009

A lot happens in two years – in other words, many things change, and the consciousness develops that two years were a long time. Little happens in, say the last 41 months – that is, there is little or no change in living and working environments, few or no new friends, routine stays more or less the same, and the consciousness develops that “the last few years have simply slipped by”.

Mark the passing of time with change, or feel time slipping through your fingers. One example: Leaving the city for a weekend every few months usually works like a charm.

FRIDAY, 30 OCTOBER 2009

A problem in many communities in far too many countries:

– X-number of people with no money, no roots, no hope, and no interest in the welfare of the community.

– Drugs are freely available.

– Weapons are easy to get hold of.

– Plenty of vulnerable targets.

SATURDAY, 31 OCTOBER 2009

I have a bit of an obsession with the Springsteen lyric that says, “Down here it’s just winners and losers and don’t get caught on the wrong side of that line.” [from “Atlantic City” on the Nebraska album]

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TUESDAY, 1 SEPTEMBER 2009

I am playing “She loves me, she loves me not” – only this time it is, “I have a deep-seated problem that prevents me from making more money, I do not have a deep-seated problem …”

I reckon I’ve identified another problem: I want to avoid it as far as possible to make significant appearances. This affects my private English tutoring possibilities, and it affects business opportunities where people would expect to be able to contact me and ask about things.

“Leave me alone!” may just cost me my financial independence.

THURSDAY, 3 SEPTEMBER 2009

For me it has always been, and still is to some extent, a very unnatural thing to try to make money.

However, there are many activities that do feel natural to me, that seem to be a better fit for my personality, my personal style, and my self-perception.

This leads to a simple and obvious conclusion: I need to learn to make these activities profitable.

SATURDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER 2009

There are good people to be found everywhere who do not know you but who are willing to help you; also, good people who, without them or you being aware of it, need your help.

There are also people who would be interested in what you have to say, if what you have to say actually ever reached their eyes or ears.

That you sometimes need to take a few steps outside your comfort zone suddenly doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

TUESDAY, 8 SEPTEMBER 2009

When I wake up in the morning, I do not see work waiting for me, I see opportunities.

I am 38 years old. Despite making some serious mistakes, I have clearly managed to get a few basic things right.

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TUESDAY, 4 AUGUST 2009

I live in a grey world. No one is ever 100% guilty, and no one is ever completely innocent. Life is beautiful, and life is merciless. Life is sometimes fraught with patterns and deeper meaning, and sometimes there is absolutely no sense or reason to life. People die, but they don’t quite disappear into the nothingness. You stay the same, and sometimes you change so much that it is ridiculous to suggest that you are still the same person you used to be.

WEDNESDAY, 5 AUGUST 2009

Certainly there are people who say: “My name is John Smith. I have read and heard people talk about finding your true self, choosing your own name and things like that, and I know my name is not who I am – but it works well enough for me.”

Also: “I’m not always sure what is meant by the idea of having an agenda. I don’t know if I also have what some people call, a personal agenda. I do work for a cause I believe in. I do my best to assist people who are struggling to keep their heads above water. Whether my name is John or Tom, or Uncle or Brother, it matters less than my share in this struggle. Personal agenda? I think some people focus too much on themselves.”

THURSDAY, 6 AUGUST 2009

15:14

I am surviving. I eat lots of vegetables and chicken and fish, and I drink lots of tea and water. I ride my bicycle and do exercises in the morning. I drink very little alcohol, and I stopped smoking.

I am surviving, but I won’t say I’m maintaining the same quality of life as before. I have little social contact with people of my age, and I rarely enjoy social recreation of a kind common among people who superficially can be regarded as my socio-economic peers. Almost forty months have passed since I had last seen my family. I have no cash to fall back on, should I accidentally fall off my bike, or more likely, if one of my teeth should suddenly fall out of my mouth. Lastly, I am pulling through each month by the seat of underpants with way too many holes in them – and I am no longer 19 or 28; in all honesty, I expected to at least be pulling through by the seat of better quality underwear by the time I reached my late thirties.

[Editor’s note: The last reference was an unintended mixed idiom of “flying by the seat of your pants” and “pulling through by the skin of your teeth”. What I meant to say was, of course, money was extremely tight, which in Afrikaans is expressed in the word, “broekskeur” which literally means “torn pants”.]

17:50

Money is the measure, everybody knows that. That is why violent, psychopathic members of organised crime syndicates are considered successful by a significant percentage of society, while poor but talented artists are regarded as failures by many people.

The fact that violent, psychopathic gang members are also feared by the general public, and locked up whenever possible, is an indication that the story is somewhat complex.

SUNDAY, 9 AUGUST 2009

I am currently trying to change the view that my life has only been about money since early 2006.

Here is another opinion: If that is true, if my life has mainly revolved around trying to make money the past more than three years, is it really that surprising that it hasn’t been a roaring success?

FRIDAY, 14 AUGUST 2009

Without something specific that I must do – a project, or a specific part of a project – I feel ridiculous, lost and unsure of myself.

In other words, if I am not actually working on something, I feel unsure of myself, unsure of what I’m doing with my life, and even uncertain about the value of my existence. (What can I say, things easily get out of hand with me.)

THURSDAY, 20 AUGUST 2009

My subconscious is like a three-year-old child (albeit a pretty powerful one) living in the here-and-now. This “child” believes my current life is survivable, okay, and comfortable enough.

That it is not sustainable for many good reasons does not bother this “child” at all. All he is interested in is whether the here-and-now is safe and comfortable.

Well, nothing is threatening my person at this very minute, and I am sitting on a fairly comfortable chair.

Good enough, thinks the “child”. Hence, no need for change.

Which brings me to the present moment, forty months later.

THURSDAY, 27 AUGUST 2009

Let’s be honest: What I have gone through since 2006 qualifies on many grounds as an utterly complete, deeply profound and thoroughly significant failure.

I say this with the greatest respect for myself. I say this with an open heart and a good attitude, because I know the road ahead looks good; I also know the road behind me is part of my life story.

MONDAY, 31 AUGUST 2009

11:55

Think of sensory reasons why you would want to succeed financially. Think of sensory rewards of financial success. (Imagine you are successful. What do you smell? What do you see? What do you feel under your fingers? What do you taste?)

20:55

There is, I suspect, “something” in me that prevents me from succeeding financially. Let us for the moment call it, “IT”.

I, together with my subconscious, my rational mind, and my creative nature, will destroy IT.

______________________

THURSDAY, 9 JULY 2009

It’s not me. It’s just an involuntary chemical reaction in response to an external situation. To say, “Look at what an ass I am making of myself again!” is incorrect. It is most certainly not I.

THURSDAY, 23 JULY 2009

11:33

I watched the last part of Boiler Room this morning. It made me think. We’re constantly bothered with ambition and success and with how we compare with our peers, and with people younger than us, and with people older than us when they were our age.

But here’s something to consider: Try not to cause too much harm. If at the end of a day, or at the end of a week, you can look back and say, “I reckon I didn’t do too many things that would cause me or other people trouble down the road,” then you should already be able to give a sigh of relief.

Success, and dreams that become true are then a bonus, not just a stick with which you prod yourself forward every day.

[Here is what the British actor of Yes, Minister fame, Paul Eddington once said during an interview on TV: “A journalist once asked me what I would like my epitaph to be and I said I think I would like it to be ‘He did very little harm’. And that’s not easy. Most people seem to me to do a great deal of harm. If I could be remembered as having done very little, that would suit me.”]

17:55

Everyone takes chances. Everyone “gambles”. Playing roulette, opening a coffee shop, getting married, betting on horses, taking a new job, no matter how you spell it or how it comes out of your mouth, it’s all gambling.

FRIDAY, 31 JULY 2009

A few points:

1. A failure, for all practical purposes, and for several good reasons; this is how I appear to myself, to Natasja, to her friends, to my family, and even to my few friends.

2. For this reason, and for the associated desperate need for regeneration, or merely just good old transformation, I am now going to shave off my beard. (Clean: 14:28)

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