Assorted Notes

TUESDAY, 15 JUNE 2004

A cargo train hits one that messes around too much on his own track

Like a freight train would sober up a drunk man on a train track late at night, so an idea recently hit me: Some people close to me believe the main reason why I am still in Taiwan after all these years is because they think I am … let’s just say, of an “alternative” sexual orientation, and to be here – away from the prying eyes of people who know me, I can give my sexuality free reign.

Allow me to make the following comments on the subject (with the relevant people very close to me the intended readers):

1) I am aware of the fact that this type of misconception takes years to sneak into people’s imaginations, and it is usually not dispelled simply because the person says, “You are wrong.”

2) You are all wrong.

3) If people fail to understand more complex reasons for the decisions others make, or to understand what motivates them, their imaginations usually work overtime to make up for it.

4) I have no problem with homosexuality, so don’t expect me to be uncomfortable when the topic comes up.

5) Finally, if, and when I meet a woman with whom I want to spend serious time, it will not be to make anyone other than myself and this special person happy.

Oh, one last thing: thanks for coming up for me against those who are perhaps less tolerant in such matters, even though everyone missed the target by some distance.

WEDNESDAY, 16 JUNE 2004

Another train insight

People look around them and see what manifests as good and successful and efficient human models. They then look at themselves, see where they fall short, and develop obsessions to make up for their perceived shortcomings.

What lies behind this? As I have stated before, I believe what lies behind it is fear. The “potential” human being is shocked alive, like a Frankenstein figure, by the lightning bolt of fear. Fear of what? Fear of failure as a human being, of being swallowed up into the Big Nothingness, and of being forgotten as though they had never even left a single footprint on terra firma.

[Text is text, right? What would be impossible to read between the lines of the above two paragraphs is that I almost lost my wallet and had to spend half an hour on a deserted train station between Crooked Village Number Nine and my hometown of Fengshan simply because of my unwillingness to wait until I got home before making a note of my thoughts.

On this particular Wednesday morning I was waiting for a train at Number Nine’s station. The specific wording of the above text entered my grey matter, I took a little packet of papers from my bookbag, forgot to close the bag, and started jotting down the note. The train approached the station as I was writing the last sentence. I grabbed my bag, my papers, my bottle of water and my pen, and ran for the nearest door. Only on the train did I realise my bag was still open. I felt around for my wallet, and after I had checked in all the possible places I came to the conclusion that the wallet must have fallen out.

The station master at the next station – whom I had only located with my second attempt, phoned the other station master, and half an hour later I was reunited with my wallet, my three banknotes and my movie VIP card.

It could have been worse, I told myself: I could have forgotten the wording of an interesting thought.]

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TUESDAY, 15 JUNE 2004

My identity, my life (I)

I now know what made me change direction on Sunday, 2 May/Monday, 3 May. On that Sunday afternoon I had telephone conversations with my older sister and with my old pal in Johannesburg – and with both of their babies. I was deeply impressed with how their lives showed a definite character, while I was still “on my way home”. I reached a point that afternoon where I realised I had a profound desire to also be in a position where I could say: This is my life, and my life is also good.

* * *

Everyone has their own particular lives. Then the camera turns in your direction, the microphone is pushed in your face, and the inevitable challenge is made: Identify your life.

And the answer: “I am Peter X living in City Y, and I fill my daily existence with …”

Traditional knowledge, and old screws

Many people do the “right thing” without reflecting on it too much. For me it has taken a long time to learn certain things – the kinds of things that, if I would tell people, “These are the conclusions I have come to after years of contemplation,” they would respond with, “We already know these things. We have been applying them in our own lives for quite some time. Did you really have to sit down and think about it?”

What is wrong with me? Did a screw loosen up somewhere in my head years ago? Am I stupid? No. (I had to be quick with that answer before I could seriously consider the possibility.)

What happened was that I had lost faith in what had been offered as “the truth” and “the way things work”. I questioned everything, and had to reconstruct from scratch my own worldview and frame of reference by which I could function as an adult outside the madhouse.

Eventually I once again accepted some “old” truths – the difference is that I know why. And understanding why I believe what I believe has to make my years of life on the “outside” worthwhile.

WEDNESDAY, 16 JUNE 2004

My identity, my life (II)

I got tired of listening to other people talk about their particular lives and then when I opened my mouth to talk about my life, all that came out were vague plans and vague promises to the effect that I did not have a life, “but I am on my way”.

The truth is, I do have a life! It’s not perfect, but it is good! And it is my life!

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FRIDAY, 11 JUNE 2004

The question remains, what is the difference between “me, now” and “me, ten years ago”? What difference does it make that my knowledge about myself is more advanced now, or that I have defined myself more clearly?

Also, what’s the difference between me and anyone else whose knowledge about his or her SELF is not so advanced or someone who has not managed to define his or her SELF as clearly? Does it make me happier? More satisfied with myself? Does it enable me to more easily find peace with other people with whom I share a living environment?

Am I missing a great truth? How important is RESULT? [See notes in the piece, “The SELF is born” from Thursday, 8 April 2004.] Is this what distinguishes the artist from the salaried worker (if both have children, who can count as results of your life, or neither have any children)? Is it what distinguishes the person who sacrifices time and money for a good cause from the person who lives for him- or herself for the most part of their daily lives?

We come from Nothing, and we go back to Nothing. What we leave behind is what we have done with our lives – our handiwork, that which gives value to our lives while we are still living. (By the way, it’s strange that some people consider the “Nothing” reference as atheistic, and yet the line “You are dust and to dust you shall return” is central to the Christian funeral rite.)

Another question: How does the level of ENLIGHTENMENT an INDIVIDUAL reaches during their lifetime influence the RESULTS they leave behind?

* * *

On Friday, 11 June 2004 (23:15) I consider the following two questions as two of the most vital questions that any person can ask themselves:

1. WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING?

2. WHAT RESULTS OF YOUR LIFE ARE YOU LEAVING BEHIND (AT THE PRESENT MOMENT)?

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WEDNESDAY, 9 JUNE 2004

I call myself a writer, but yesterday I thought, am I not in the first place a teacher? I mean, so much of my writing is at least supposed to be educational. I can never get away from the idea that I am trying to explain something to the reader, that I am busy teaching something to an invisible audience – something that half of them already know anyway, and the other half either don’t understand, or they have no desire to understand.

Do I sometimes write in a way that makes it seem as if I consider myself clever? I should probably not try to deny it. Many people would certainly also challenge my ability to teach them something.

You, the reader, is however more than just the person on the other side of my sometimes unsolicited lessons. You are the link between what I am writing here in a dimly lit living room and the outside world. The fact that you are reading these words, at this moment, makes the writing of this text and the assembling of this entire project definitely worth it.

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TUESDAY, 8 JUNE 2004

What is relevant and not relevant to the “owner” of the SELF are some of the most important considerations to take into account during the process of defining the SELF.

An example of this is opinion. Which issues are relevant enough for a person to formulate an opinion on and which not require knowledge of the SELF.

It follows that the smaller the area of which you are aware, the less information you receive, and therefore the easier it is to find/define your SELF.

For example, if I live in a big city and regularly interact with a wide variety of people, and I’m aware of political issues stretching from Northeast Asia to the Middle East to Central Africa, Europe and North America, as well as environmental issues, ethical issues, religious issues and many other topics one can have an opinion on, my process of defining an identity will take significantly longer than will be the case with a guy who grew up in a small town, who lives there as an adult, and who will eventually die there of old age.

One would like to say – because don’t most of us live in the “bigger” world? – that it is better to be aware of more and that it is boring to spend your entire life within a limited area. Arguments can also be made about “knowledge is power”, about the lack of more or better information leading to fears of that which some people may only be vaguely aware of, and lack of knowledge that leads to misunderstanding and prejudice against those who are not “like us”.

This issue of big world versus small town is not what interests me at the moment, and my current relationship with the “bigger” world is of such a nature that I have no incentive to make a case for or against participation and engagement.

The interesting question for me at this stage is whether you can fully define your SELF in a “large” environment where you regularly enter into new relationships, where issues come and go, and where new data flows in on a daily basis while you’re still trying to finish last month’s newspapers or current affairs magazines. I don’t think so.

Many people will agree that issues you have to take a position on as part of your identity are less important than relationships. The benefit of fewer, but more meaningful relationships, including positive family ties, is thus once again emphasised. (I did not try to work it in. It just emerged as the obvious answer to the question of what provides a solid foundation to the SELF in an ever changing world. Therefore, it would seem that I have once again, after a round of intellectual contemplation, come across a bit of wisdom that the proverbial “everyone” knows.)

A balance can, therefore, be proposed between the “small” world at home, and the “big” world outside your front gate; priority given to the former provides people at the end of the day with a firmer definition and more certainty of SELF.

But now that I think about it … is this not what most people are already doing? Of course! People are brilliant! (Just a pity they don’t know it.)

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