Author: Brand Smit

WEDNESDAY, 29 SEPTEMBER 2004

I sometimes try to look at myself through the eyes of another person … and naturally I am convinced that this other person will notice, within a matter of days or at most weeks, all my anxieties and insecurities, and will retreat from the battlefield that is me as soon as politely possible.

What I don’t always realise is that this “other person” is a caricature with no anxieties and insecurities and embarrassments of her own. Or excuse me, no one is perfect – so she will have problems, “but they’re cute problems,” as the guy says in High Fidelity.

Truth is, unless she really is an emotionally underdeveloped entity, she will also be anxious about things, unsure of herself at times; she will wonder whether or not she appears to other people in the way she would like to appear; she will occasionally doubt whether or not she is and acts as the person she wants to be.

“Do I know who I really am,” she would wonder, “and what I want to do with my life? This guy comes over as so confident about who and what he is, what he has been doing with his life, and what role he wants to play. I wonder what he really thinks of me. Maybe he’s more attracted to women who are themselves convinced of what they want to do, and what they believe in … women like, Sarah X. I wish I had worn my hair differently the other night at the get-together … and I wonder what he’ll say if he knew what my mother had said to me the other day. And he just smiled politely when I told him yesterday what had happened to me a few days ago …”

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TUESDAY, 28 SEPTEMBER 2004

Two black-and-white truths

1. If I had stopped eating on Wednesday, 28 July 2004, I would probably have been dead by now. It can therefore be said that one of the reasons I am still alive is because I did not stop eating two months ago.

2. If I have not been celibate and alone for the past 21 months, “The Personal Agenda of Brand Smit” would most likely not have been written.

WEDNESDAY, 29 SEPTEMBER 2004

Social baptism of fire

To move from “perfect solitude” to the more humane alternative I have to go through a baptism of fire. Is it necessary to say that I fear failure? Is it necessary to mention that I fear rejection?

Why would you still feel compelled to move forward? Because you are holding on to that straw of a possibility that you will not fail, that you won’t be rejected. And if your social appearance is more or less successful, you may just experience life in ways you had to manage without in your so-called perfect solitude.

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FRIDAY, 24 SEPTEMBER 2004

Poor Brand (part 1)

So, “Brand Smit” is back at home on Friday, 24 September 2004 at 21:36 with all his dreams, ambitions, frustrations, and measures to ensure daily survival.

What is he going to do tonight to give value and meaning to his life?

Tomorrow morning he is teaching for two hours, and another two hours in the afternoon. Tomorrow evening he will probably be on his own – again.

This state of affairs will continue until Monday afternoon when he has to leave his home at 16:23 to teach another class.

Poor Brand, whatever will he do to ease his miserable situation?

The struggle for the self, and the associated shell shock

For many people, the process of attaining self-knowledge and seeking answers is a war of attrition – wait and try, wait and try, and hopefully everything is over before Christmas …

Does this process eventually provide sufficient answers? Some questions are resolved, to be sure, but I think many people remain shell-shocked from the process for the rest of their lives.

MONDAY, 27 SEPTEMBER 2004

Poor Brand (part 2)

So here stands Brand Smit, sucking on an L&M Charcoal “Especially Smooth” cigarette. It is Monday morning, 27 September 2004 at 01:23. Has he taken actions since Friday evening to give his life value and meaning, or to make his life worth living? Was he involved in any incident that could advance these matters?

He did have a nice discussion with two young female students Saturday afternoon. He did go downtown Saturday evening where he enjoyed dinner with some friends and acquaintances. He also attended a barbeque earlier this evening – Sunday evening – hosted by a group of 22 year-old Economics student to which he was invited by one of the two young women with whom he had had a pleasant conversation Saturday afternoon.

He has thus made several appearances in the world outside his apartment door since last Friday, both professional and social. He has, as is usually the case, delivered a satisfactory performance of “Person Brand Smit”.

So how does he feel at this moment, on Monday, 27 September 2004 at 01:30 in the morning?

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THURSDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER 2004

For years I searched for identity and tried to work out how I should appear to the world. I finally came to the realisation that you have to confront your “given self”, accept what you cannot change, and then taking into account the given material and given time and place, define who you want to be, how you want to appear to the world, whether you want to play any kind of role in the world, what role you might want to play, where you might want to play this role, and how you plan to meet your own needs where you currently are considering who you have decided to be and what role you have decided you would want to play, or what contribution you would want to make.

One question remains, however, after you have figured out these things: DO YOU WANT TO APPEAR?

If you choose to appear, all your answers to the above questions kick in.

Should you choose to not appear, everything changes. Most of your answers will become useless, with new questions that will need to be answered in order to fulfil a different set of needs (or similar physical needs, but psychologically different).

This is the question I am contemplating at this point of my life. Do I want to be who I am (now), in the place I have chosen to be this “I”, and to fulfil the role I have defined for myself, or do I want to disappear … or rather, do I only want to make minimal, and mostly anonymous appearances in order to fulfil my basic physical needs?

SUNDAY, 10 OCTOBER 2004

Inevitable course of spiritual evolution?

You get tired of explaining yourself to other people. You also become increasingly aware of your own caricature in appearing to the world. You increasingly start to experience a need to withdraw.

Is this an inevitable part of spiritual evolution? Can the increasing desire to separate yourself from the rest of the world be avoided?

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TUESDAY, 21 SEPTEMBER 2004

DESERT or CITY?

To lose your identity-for-the-sake-of-functioning, or to accept it and to be that person for the sake of a (good) cause … say you have walked around in circles and criss-crossed the same areas for many years but you manage a straight path for long enough to finally come to the edge of the CITY, just before you enter the DESERT, where you no longer have to function according to conventions of time and place, and you turn around and walk back, re-entering the CITY, to live your live in pursuit and in the service of a Good Cause with the knowledge that you have about who and what you truly are, and who and what you need to be to survive and to function … until the time comes when you will enter the DESERT in a different form.

THURSDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER 2004

A principle

Many of us are trapped in a life that is not the best we can achieve, because to make adjustments will require more effort than to merely maintain our current, sometimes frustrating life on a daily basis.

This is why change usually follows a proverbial flash of lightning that shocks us into action – an event or incident that makes our current existence unbearable.

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