Assorted Notes

SUNDAY, 18 MARCH 2007

22:27

Beep-beep, beep-beep. Here is the news at 22:28.

Brand Smit, writer of yesteryear, still under house arrest after the shocking and unexpected return to a position of power of the Commercial Dictator  a year ago, has come to the following realisation: After eight years in Taiwan, and two years of true love, he is indeed still in exile.

“I have been in this place for eight years,” he announced to his beloved a few minutes ago, “and two of those years have been with you, my true love. If I still cannot call this place my home, when will I?”

“Where is your home then?” his beloved was on the verge of asking when he pre-empted her. “In no way do I mean to say that South Africa is my home!

“No,” he continued, “I am still in exile because I have no money.”

And as he rubbed his thumb against his crooked index finger, he announced solemnly, “My exile has nothing to do with place; it has to do with ability. I am in exile because I have failed.”

22:45

HOME is not necessarily a single geographical place. HOME is where you have the ability to do what you want. HOME – is where you are free.

MONDAY, 26 MARCH 2007

Last weekend, just before I fell asleep one night, the idea of rebirth struck again. And I know: as the current incarnation of BRAND SMIT is slowly dying, so the next, stronger incarnation is growing.

Sunday I thought back to my July 2003 holiday in South Africa, and how I had felt about my life at that time. I read Natasja a few pages from “Exile 14” – including text about the rebirth that had taken place in the first half of 2003. I realised that there was something about that time that is absent now. The only possibility: “Personal Agenda”.

Then it hit me: focal point of identity.

From March 2003 until the beginning of last year, “Personal Agenda” and other literary projects were the axis around which my identity revolved. I was a writer, and I could show what I meant.

Who and what am I now if daily activities are an indication of identity? I am an entrepreneur – without money; and I am a master of projects – who can’t seem to finish anything he works on.

SATURDAY, 31 MARCH 2007

It is simply amazing: Reality is always ZERO. Things will change, your life will improve, sometimes by leaps and bounds, but the next day your reality is still ZERO.

You will protest and say, “How can it still be ZERO after what happened yesterday, or with this new technology that I have acquired that will make my life so much easier?”

The fact is, things that change get absorbed; the circle closes, and the New Reality becomes the New ZERO. As if things have always been like that.

THURSDAY, 5 APRIL 2007

An idea hit me a few days ago: Everyone is vulnerable. Everyone. There is not a single soul on this planet who is not vulnerable in some way, at some or other time.

This may compel one to recognise that we are all in trouble – or in slightly alternative wording, that we are all fucked. Is it not so?

Only one possibility remains: to look out for each other.

MONDAY, 9 APRIL 2007

Has to make money, don’t want to do nine-to-five, don’t want to call anyone “Boss”, don’t want to be bored or stuck in a place with rules that dictate when you may go outside. Has written much, but doesn’t want to submit material for commercial approval, or make changes to material for the sake of commercial acceptability.

Until recently I thought I was in trouble, and then I discovered that you can do more on the Internet than just e-mail and search for information.

[Two undated notes from later in 2007]

Says one guy: Multiple sources of income are all fair and well, but if you give people looking for opportunities to make money on the Internet too many options, they will choose not to decide.

* * *

It would always have been a dangerous combination: dozens of possibilities and my strong inclination towards excessive ambition. This combination struck in February 2006.

THURSDAY, 12 APRIL 2007

1. Thirteen years ago I wanted to be a hermit.

2. An aversion to any conventional position of employment is virtually a characteristic of my personality.

3. Three years ago I wrote a lot about non-appearance (“Desert or City?”)

4. I feel drained, and wonder if it’s time for my annual “Big Fatigue”.

5. Tuesday on the train the idea of retirement hit me as an ultimate ideal.

The pattern is clear enough. But in the meantime I have to survive.

______________________

MONDAY, 29 JANUARY 2007

In the last hour, I had a vision of myself suddenly old, five or so years from now. Tired, not in the mood anymore for messing around or struggling; sitting in a chair, enjoying the view, blanket covering my legs.

I say, if someone looks at my life right now, it may seem peaceful, but a war is raging. And the fact that I am busy winning doesn’t mean it’s getting easier.

MONDAY, 26 FEBRUARY 2007

Natasja G.: Inner strength, and a strong sense of doing the right thing, doing things right, and taking pride in what she does.

TUESDAY, 27 FEBRUARY 2007

A substantial change takes place in a person’s life, and the earth keeps turning without missing a beat. You want to scream, “Hold the ball! Sun, give me a second! Everybody just hang on – I just have a think a while …”

Unfortunately, this is how it happens: breakfast, lunch, dinner, TV, bedtime, breakfast, massive change, lunch, dinner, TV, bedtime, morning, food, TV, night, sleep, breakfast …

SUNDAY, 11 MARCH 2007

“Says who?” and “Who are you?” – the building blocks of my personal ideology.

TUESDAY, 13 MARCH 2007

At times I feel like saying, “Go lie down! Sleep until two o’ clock and watch TV the rest of the day! Assume that you will forever throw obstacles in your own way! Confess! Admit that you’ve failed!”

Then I think of something else – and I cannot but say, “Keep your perspective. My success six months from now and two years from now, and ten years from now will always be rooted in the past twelve months, and the number of years that gave birth to the last twelve months.”

* * *

So time passes. I get up. I switch everything on, open the curtains, work – and fifteen hours later I turn everything off, draw the curtains, and go to sleep. And when I open my eyes again, another two months have gone by.

______________________

FRIDAY, 9 MARCH 2007

[Background: When I was student, my older sister signed surety for me one year so that I could get a loan.]

Got a call from my mother today: “Has your sister called you yet?”

In the first place, my mother calls me from South Africa? I think crisis. Has my sister called me yet? I think crisis with my sister.

Turns out it is [redacted] Bank who has, as they call it, “tracked down” my sister, telling her they cannot find me anywhere, and despite the fact that I – who cannot be “found” – is giving them money every single month, they want more. And my sister has to give them more right now, otherwise they are going to make a complaint and open a case with the police and my sister’s employer will have to be notified and it will be a blot on her name and it’s one hell of a crisis. And then the inevitable: “Your sister is hysterical.”

I sat and I listened, and then after a few minutes, I exploded. I pay them each and every month and they have my email and I am tired of this, and I didn’t ask for the loan in the first place and I have already paid them more than R100,000 and what else do I have to do …

After an hour, a 7-Eleven chicken burger, a brown rice milk and two cigarettes I had calmed down sufficiently to call “Christina” and tell her to write me up for more money from the end of next month.

A few important points:

Point 1. Why did I lose my cool? Embarrassment, the shame that bears down on you when you are “caught out”, when you fail to do “what you are supposed to do”, when you want to play according to your own rules and it’s not yet working out. Oh, and because you are suddenly standing in front of the establishment again, hat in hand, to be reprimanded because you committed that primal sin: you took money from the bank – and you are not giving it back fast enough. (Forget about the fact that I have paid them back double the original amount a long time ago, because as a result of interest I still “owe” them money.)

Point 2. A bank is not much more than a government-supported organised crime syndicate, even when they play according to the accepted rules. Smiling, shiny faces on billboards notwithstanding.

Point 3. All of us – my sister, the bank, and I – have a leg to stand on. However, I believe throwing a poison pill in the soup by claiming they couldn’t find me was an immoral tactic for which someone at the bank should take responsibility.

Point 4. This situation reminds me of the film, The Crying Game, where the guy tells the story of the frog and the scorpion, with the frog agreeing to help the scorpion cross the river. Despite assurances and promises that he won’t do it, the scorpion stings the frog halfway across the river. “Why did you do that?” the frog asks. “Because it’s in my nature,” the scorpion replies. “What did you expect?” So, I think, it is with banks, debt, and the way banks deal with people who owe them money. It is, after all, a bank. It is in the nature of their business to do whatever they deem necessary, no matter how immoral, when it is in their interest. What else can we expect? (Ends: Monday, 12 March 2007)

______________________

FRIDAY, 8 DECEMBER 2006

What I want to become, what I want to be, the lifestyle I want to make my own, the type of days and nights I would like to make typical of my life is not meant for everyone.

Here is my advice, to myself and any other person with a dream: Keep on believing, keep working on it, comfort yourself when you have to work long days and nights on projects with no end in sight, and with no fruit waiting to be picked and enjoyed. Ease your frustrations, especially those times when you think you are a Moses who would see the Promised Land but never enter it.

Things will come together. Believe in that … and keep working on making it a reality.

MONDAY, 11 DECEMBER 2006

This is what I want: A stone house on top of a hill, on an island a good distance from the nearest mainland. It must be windy – not necessarily all day, but it should pick up from, say, late afternoon, and the evenings must be at least cool if not cold.

All morning and afternoon I’ll be in my office working on my projects. At four o’clock or so – just as the wind starts picking up – I will take a break, first for some tea, then for a walk on the beach, then dinner. (Maybe I can also fit in a nap on the living room couch with the TV’s sound turned down.)

After dinner and a little TV, I will continue working. Weekends we will go to the mainland, stay in a small hotel, spend some time with friends and family, go shopping, walk around, eat at some decent restaurants … and by Sunday afternoon we’ll head back to the island.

Translation: I want to have enough money so that I can get on with what every soul on this planet would do if they knew of the possibility, or: if everyone had a desire to do more with their earthly existence than a pet or a vulture does with theirs. I would work on my own education, expand my knowledge and sharpen my abilities, and apply my knowledge and skills to work that fit my aptitude and personality.

How can this life ever be possible?

It can only be possible with a money machine that will generate income with the minimum of maintenance – year in and year out.

TUESDAY, 19 DECEMBER 2006

Ideas are like butterflies, and I am like a child chasing all of them and therefore failing to catch a single one – despite the large number of possibilities.

FRIDAY, 22 DECEMBER 2006

Taiwan is not in my room – reflections from the inside

OR: A personal agenda: shortened, with added detail

THURSDAY, 28 DECEMBER 2006

Is spiritual development in the modern world possible without financial independence? Would son of a local ruler, Siddhartha Gautama ever have been able to start on the journey to become Lord Buddha if he didn’t come from a position of financial comfort?

SUNDAY, 31 DECEMBER 2006

One of many lessons learned during 2006: Two ways to make money:

1. You sell – your time, your knowledge, your skills, your experience, even your body.

2. You speculate – in shares, casino games, property, foreign exchange, horse races, a coffee shop, and other opportunities where there is a possibility to get away with a profit.

______________________

FRIDAY, 3 NOVEMBER 2006

[Background: In October 2006, I read in an e-book about a certain Roulette strategy that people apparently use to make money at online casinos. The strategy requires that you wait for something to not happen for a few spins and then you start placing a series of bets on that thing happening shortly. If you do not win on the first spin of the wheel, you increase your stake a little bit. If you do not win on the second spin, you do it again. In theory, you are supposed to win after a few spins, and because you progressively bet more with each spin, you should win all the money back that you have lost until that point. The progression of increasingly higher stakes goes up to eleven bets. But, explains the guy from the e-book, don’t worry too much about this because the progression of bets rarely goes that high.]

I’ll be quick.

Last Friday I made a deposit at [an online casino], and by Wednesday I started “working”. Thursday (yesterday) I deposited R200 at [another casino], and half an hour later I started playing there as well.

One thing did make me a little nervous: What happens if the column where I place increasingly higher stakes still hasn’t come up after eleven spins? I knew this was technically possible, and the e-book guy who initially brought the Roulette story to my attention said something about 94.6%.

Third session at [the first casino], it happens: seventh spin, eighth spin (I gulp), ninth spin … tenth spin … “Now it has to work …” I place R67 on the column for the eleventh and hopefully final round of the series. Click “Spin” … and it loses.

“Okay,” I thought, “the other day I worked out you play R101 if you lose eleven times in a row.” Place the bet. Click. Spin. Lose. White in the face. Move a R25-chip with a shaky hand to the edge of the offending column. Spin. Win. R75. I have R99 left in my account. I just lost R241.

MONDAY, 20 NOVEMBER 2006

I am tired. I am tired of so-called money projects that either never get done, or that move three steps forward, and 2.999 steps back.

I want – I need to and I want to forget about money for just one evening, or for just one night and a day, or maybe even for one night and the rest of the week. Because at this stage, tonight, even success may be too much for me.

WEDNESDAY, 22 NOVEMBER 2006

Brand thinks his life is boring and he doesn’t spend enough time doing what he enjoys. The only way he can make his daily life bearable is to convince himself that things will be different in six months’ time. In six months’ time his life will be more exciting; in six months he will spend more time on the things he enjoys – writing, studying, and so on.

What Brand does not realise – or maybe he does realise this, but he is apparently powerless or unwilling to do anything about it – is that “six months” is renewed every six months. Every six months he swears anew: “In six months’ time …”

Or, closer to reality: Every day a previous six-month period ends. Every day he solemnly commits himself to the following six months.

Every day, every month, every year. Every six months.

Is he powerless to break this seemingly endless cycle? Is he going to turn 37, and 40, and 45 and 50 and still believe that everything will be different in six months’ time?

No one can be blamed if they thought, “I sure am glad I’m not this Brand fellow.”

I don’t have that option. I have no choice but to look myself in the mirror and say: “It is me, this ‘Brand’. It is I who cannot turn my goals into reality.” Or can I? (Just had to ask, otherwise it looks like I don’t have any faith in myself.)

FRIDAY, 24 NOVEMBER 2006

The students are busy with their writing exercises, so I am sitting here doing nothing. I have nothing to say. I am tired, and a little discouraged. I am 35 years old. My biggest writing project thus far is finished, and I know how to reach my target audience – I even how to get them to pay for what they read. I do have to raise a shitload of money to pay for proofreading and stuff like that, though. I also have to raise a shitload of money to pay for – and here I am sincere when I say I am blessed – Natasja’s and my wedding [we had gotten engaged recently]. I also have to raise a shitload of money to have my teeth fixed, pay off my debt, sort out my stuff in South Africa, and go on vacation early next year. I also have to raise a shitload of money to try and alleviate my parents’ suffering. I also have to raise a shitload of money to invest in projects that can continue to earn me lots of money in the future so I can continue to be what I am now: a free man.

SATURDAY, 25 NOVEMBER 2006

If you strive for personal freedom, but at the cost of another person’s quest for personal freedom, then you are not serving the cause of freedom; you are merely serving your own selfish needs.

WEDNESDAY, 29 NOVEMBER 2006

My writing projects served a purpose in the past – they had to provide proof of my existence in a period of my life when there was, for the most part, no one to verify it – or no one that meant much to me or to whom I meant anything. (The idea was inspired by the 2004 film Shall We Dance? Susan Sarandon’s character explains in one scene that in a marriage the two people agree to be witnesses to each other’s lives.)

My question is: When I return to fresh literary projects, what purpose will they serve then? Possibly the same? Difference in degree with some other motives?

______________________