Assorted Notes

THURSDAY, 19 NOVEMBER 2015

As I am working on material I wrote in 2005 I realise that eventually I am going to be finished with 25 years’ worth of notes – typed, edited, translated and published.

Twenty-one years ago I was 23 years old, at the beginning of my adult life; I am in my mid-forties now, halfway to being elderly. I can imagine what someone would think if they followed the notes all the way from 1994 until the most recent notes from this week. I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled up their shoulders and asked: “That’s it?”

I am aware of the fact that there has not been much adventure in my life. (Or has there been, and I just dismiss it? I have after all lived in three different countries since 1994.) I did meet someone and started a life with her, but happiness does not necessarily make for good literature. And except for my failures to make more money over the past ten years, there haven’t been many great challenges I have had to overcome.

Is this a call to action? Should I do something to make my writing more interesting? I mean, if I have been writing fiction I could have gotten away with a dull life. Or if I have been writing about topics other than my own life …

WEDNESDAY, 9 DECEMBER 2015

To undertake a month-long trip through Asia to end up in a museum or a palace in France would give the life I have already established more colour, and a few unforgettable memories – there can be no doubt about that.

But I am also regularly reminded that people chase after adventure because adventure is part of their ideal life. This note is the most recent manifestation of the fact that I have pursued my ideal life, my dream, and that I have managed to fulfil that dream to a significant extent.

* * *

On Saturday, 19 September 2015, I wrote the following:

Two views of my life of the past twenty years:

1. I pursued a creative life and made sacrifices in the process.

2. I did not make enough sacrifices to pursue a creative life.

______________________

THURSDAY, 5 NOVEMBER 2015

My position since at least “To talk about God” (written in November 2001) has been as follows: You cannot believe in “God” without defining “God”. And when you have defined “God”, you have created an idol – like Moses’ brother Aaron created an idol of gold and jewellery, so people do it with words.

FRIDAY, 6 NOVEMBER 2015

Many people will be ready with a counter-argument: “I don’t define God. I believe what God has revealed about Himself.”

Okay, I’ll say, let me try again: You cannot believe in “God” without first defining “God”. And when you have defined “God” …

“Nobody defines God. He has revealed himself.”

How do you know? I will ask.

And so the back and forth will continue until you realise you are knee-deep in an argument with absolutely no rules. Because how do you argue with “I believe so because I feel so”? How do you argue with, “I believe what I believe because a book that was written by God Himself who moved the authors’ hands in a certain way says that is how it is. And the book must be right because the book says it is right. And my feeling confirms it. And feelings I have had in the past also confirm it. And almost everyone I know agrees with me.”

How do you argue a point if the other person is saying whatever he wants with no reference to independent research and no confirmation other than other people who also have a strong personal stake in the matter?

“This is the shell of a dragon egg,” says someone with an ostrich egg shell in her hand.

“How do you know it’s a dragon egg shell?” another person asks.

“Because I feel it’s true, and you can’t say anything that would convince me that what I feel isn’t true.”

______________________

WEDNESDAY, 4 NOVEMBER 2015

How do I manage to make money as an English teacher? (Hint: It is not because I am good at making money.)

Another question: How have I made money in the past, and/or how do I earn money now?

1. By helping people with their English studies in classes arranged by other people

2. By producing EFL material that has been requested by someone, or by making available material that I have developed

3. By serving customers in a men’s gift shop and tobacconist

4. By delivering hot meals for restaurants

5. By recruiting subscribers for a provincial newspaper, and later for an environmental journal

6. By performing administrative tasks in an office

7. By proofreading text written by other people

8. By writing reviews about products

9. By providing to people space on a web server for their websites, and by providing other internet-related services

10. By writing and publishing books in print and electronic formats

What golden thread runs through all these activities? People needed something, or they wanted to get something done; I was in the right place at the right time, and it was within my ability to provide those products or services.

Interestingly enough, the list includes so-called cold calling – which literally means I had to knock on people’s doors to try and sell something to them. Most people shudder at the mere thought, and I myself hope that I would never be forced to do anything like it again, but – I did quite well when I did have to do it.

______________________

TUESDAY, 20 OCTOBER 2015

Yesterday brought an old idea in new clothing: My Four Failures:

1. [Better Chinese language skills]

2. [More money]

3. [Permanent residency in Taiwan]

4. [Driver’s license in Taiwan]

The thought kept me occupied for so long that I never came around to the opposite list: My Three Successes:

1. Writing – precisely the type of material that I had hoped in 1994 I would produce in the future, but which I feared would not get written due to the pressures of a “normal” adult life.

2. I behaved myself decently enough, and I was just funny and clever enough to persuade a beautiful, vibrant woman to give me a chance.

3. I read a lot – not so much acclaimed novels as one always thinks you should, but about what goes on in the world, about history, and about the human condition.

SUNDAY, 25 OCTOBER 2015

23:28

Who am I? Where do I belong? Where is my place in the world? What is the purpose of my existence? What should I do with my life?

I find it strange that I don’t really think about these things anymore. As if you only ponder these questions at a certain stage of your life.

Wouldn’t it be interesting to wake these old ghosts from their slumber? Or are they sleeping dogs?

23:42

Do I not think about those questions anymore because I have discovered or worked out the answers? Or is it because I don’t care anymore? If the latter, it is because I have become more cynical over the past ten years? Why have I become more cynical? Was I naïve ten years ago? Or rather, in what ways did I still believe like a child ten years ago?

A few days ago on my way to the convenience store I asked myself a big favour: Please do not become a bitter old man.

MONDAY, 26 OCTOBER 2015

13:15

You have to sell yourself on life. Why? Because otherwise another part of your person may sell death-at-own-hand to the Decision-Maker and Executor of Behaviour.

To hasten your own death can after all be accomplished in many ways: by smoking too much, by drinking too much, by sending a bullet through your brains, by depriving yourself of oxygen, by eating too much, even by living with what appears to be passionate abandon, like jumping on a manic bull’s back and riding him until he throws you off and drives his horn through your heart. “He was so in love with life,” people will say. “He had no fear,” others will add.

13:30

Is it good or bad that there is no one who can convince me that what I have done so far with my adult life has been worth the effort?

WEDNESDAY, 4 NOVEMBER 2015

A thought has been swirling in my head for a while: The question “Who are you?” (in the broad sense of the word) should be answered with another question: “Who is asking?”

______________________

SUNDAY, 30 AUGUST 2015

In 1994 I was still running in the pack along with other people of my age with whom I shared a broad socio-economic background. In my head I was already somewhat apart, but to all concerned and in terms of what was visible to everyone, I was still doing the same things many of my peers were doing.

In 1995 – twenty years ago this year – things changed. Many of my contemporaries started that year with a journey of more or less forty years that would end with their retirement, if they were to be blessed with a long life. That was the year when I split from the pack. And with that I am not saying my path was better or more special, and I make no judgement on my contemporaries who started with their forty-year career path. I am merely saying I have been on a different path since 1995.

Twenty years have since passed. Like many of my peers I also wonder: How am I doing?

Out of every hundred of my contemporaries who started in 1995 with a career (or with the first of perhaps four or five different careers) that will end in retirement in about two decades’ time, how many of them do as well as they thought they would? How many have actually pursued any of the dreams they wanted to pursue? How many of them have realised at least one or two of their dreams? How many have missed one chance after another? How many do much better than they ever thought they would?

It is reasonable to assume that everyone has made at least a few mistakes and displayed some poor judgement a number of times, and that at least a few people have seriously slipped up at least once. I think it is furthermore reasonable to assume that most people would like to make more money than is currently the case, and that a few may wish they could do more interesting work. Statistically it is also inevitable that a small percentage of this group are doing exceptionally well – they are making more money than they ever thought they would; their children are more beautiful and more intelligent than they ever thought they could produce, and they do work they find more fulfilling and more interesting than when they started out two decades ago.

To get back to my question, I think I am doing okay – in some areas much better than I thought I would; in other areas I am doing worse than I hoped would be the case. I have had a few slip-ups, and there have been a few times where I completely overestimated my abilities (or perhaps I simply did not know myself well enough, or I didn’t have a proper understanding of the challenge). I have so far led a pretty interesting life. I am learning more every day about things I have always been interested in. I am almost never bored. And I share my life with a strong-minded, kind-hearted woman and two black cats. I have no debt, and I have a little money in the bank.

On the other hand, 99% of my income currently comes from teaching English part-time in Taiwan, on a sometimes unpredictable schedule. And my income is only a fraction of what I need to take care of my elderly parents, so the responsibility mainly falls on the long-suffering shoulders of my older sister.

Twenty years after I started walking on a different path and at a different pace than many of my contemporaries I am not doing too badly. Truth be told though, a few people, myself included, are hoping I do a little better in the future.

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