WEDNESDAY, 27 APRIL 2005
My tendency to despair, and the increase in frustration and boredom, and even the occasional drop in confidence can all be traced to the fact that I, “Brand Smit”, do not currently produce any significant literature that serves a good purpose. As I mentioned yesterday, it boils down to the strong possibility that I will experience existential angst similar to what a neophyte “Christian” will experience who do not regularly get confirmation from his or her community of fellow believers – with the difference that I do not need confirmation from any community. My personal religion and related confirmation is … TO BE WHO I SAY I AM.
FRIDAY, 29 APRIL 2005
11:38
I think the one reason why I haven’t been able to continue with my thoughts on certain subjects is because I am like a McDonald’s franchise owner who actually wants to serve health food. I want to go further, I want to move on, but the only way I can do that is to change the format and structure of my establishment.
I have to start doing research. I have to become more disciplined in my investigations.
[The McDonald’s analogy does not work so well. What is important is that I reckoned my ideas on all the issues I have been writing about since … 1994 … are not going forward. I also thought my approach of one paragraph here and a note there has to be reconsidered. What I thought I should do is research; to research a subject properly from the bottom up.]
17:49
[Note on a project that is coming along well.]
I just mention this because I hate it when ropes and yarns and seams start loosening up, or when tent flaps start fluttering in the wind.
Which brings me to a related issue: Do other people also sometimes get the idea that their lives seem to be only two weeks away from total chaos? I am talking about ordinary things like personal health and laundry and general hygiene; I am not talking about bigger factors over which no one has any control.
19:47
Faith in your fellow human beings and in life itself is foolishness. / Foolishness is essential to having faith in your fellow human beings, and in having faith in life itself.
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