Assorted Notes

WEDNESDAY, 14 JUNE 2006

“How on earth can we know the whole truth if we do not have all the information? How on earth can we make absolute statements? We sometimes accept things in faith, but how can we expect others to accept the same articles of faith?” (From a discussion about the moon)

FRIDAY, 16 JUNE 2006

Seven years ago, I talked about two woes that have been chasing me ever since I can remember. I am not alone anymore, yet loneliness is something that is always with you; even those with whom you are involved intimately do not always share your fears and your concerns. Poverty, or rather, to be broke, is however an affliction that I will struggle with until one of us collapses from exhaustion.

TUESDAY, 20 JUNE 2006

Like a paranoid dictator in a politically unstable country, or like kings in the Middle Ages that constantly had to keep an eye on other members of the aristocracy, so it is with me: if I do not focus my energies on something for most of my waking hours, my energy turns on the source – me.

THURSDAY, 29 JUNE 2006

Recent revelations have brought the thought that my Internet projects are reminiscent of some other projects from my personal past. I start off with ten times more enthusiasm than common sense, with no proper preparation, planning or idea of exactly what it is I want to do. I do a lot of work, then I pause, then I look at what I have done and where I am going, and then I move forward after careful consideration. I also have to admit that I am unwilling to spend the critical first three months or so after getting an idea for a project on preparation and planning.

The silver lining around this ominously dark cloud: I am busy dealing with it.

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THURSDAY, 1 JUNE 2006

I feel tired, my head hurts, my body aches, and I’ve had it with the fact that being broke has become a defining feature of the life of “Brand Smit”. I work hard. I work damn hard. I work day and night, weekday and weekend. I work harder than most people I know, but I have less money than just about everybody I know.

It’s also not a case of going about it the wrong way. My preference of projects is … where the trouble comes in. I prefer big, fantastically ambitious projects, which when they are finished and the proverbial green button is pressed will bring about life-changing results.

But until then – my body and my head simply have to take the punishment, and I just have to get over worrying about where I’m going to get NT$7,500 before the twentieth of this month.

WEDNESDAY, 7 JUNE 2006

It is impossible to be 100% “pure of heart” in this world. Or rather, the only way to fully remain pure is to completely withdraw from the world. (What I mean by “pure” is for a person to avoid any action that could cause harm to another person or any animal.)

To withdraw, of course, is a selfish action that does not hold any possibility of assistance to any human or animal in need.

To be involved in this world, or to be active in this world, will inevitably sometimes lead to decisions being taken and actions being followed which will cause harm, directly or indirectly, to people, animals or the environment. But your presence in this world, or your involvement with the world, could also be a vital counterweight to much greater damage someone else is causing.

How should we approach this reality?

TUESDAY, 13 JUNE 2006

18:46

I am tired, but I am not just tired of the computer work, I am tired of my couch. I am tired of my bed, my towels, my bathroom and my washing machine. It feels as if I am draining myself in preparation for my next transformation: the emergence of a man who lives a more tranquil life, who reads more and go out more often, who gets more sleep and who doesn’t work more than eight hours per day.

Thing is, I have big plans for this man I am going to be one day. And to realise these plans, I simply have to push myself a little bit harder.

21:20

Outstanding features that had defined your life at stage X but that have “expired” by stage Y, and features that define your life in stage Y that played no role whatsoever at stage X. This implies that at some or other stage you slowly stopped being X, and started becoming Y.

Thus: stop, and start becoming.

21:23

Certainly there are many people who have never been aware of this process. The intellectually enlightened person is not only aware of this process, they can be deliberate about it.

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MONDAY, 1 MAY 2006

Everyone has a choice: be a destroyer of hope, dignity and of life itself, or be a creator of hope, dignity, and life – or be someone who creates an environment where these good things can take root and flourish, or someone who protects them.

TUESDAY, 9 MAY 2006

By default, the world is a cold, dark place. We make it better, but a better world it will never be by default. It will always be a constant struggle.

FRIDAY, 12 MAY 2006

I have an acute awareness of emergency and imminent danger (ten years ago I called it my “state of emergency”). This seemingly perpetual state is about three things: health – the fact that I smoke; debt – the fact that I still haven’t paid back all my student loans; and income – which is always just above the poverty line.

FRIDAY, 26 MAY 2006

I feel compelled to make a quick update. Despite the fact that I’m pretty broke at the moment (NT$4,900 [±US$160] left until I get paid again – in about twelve days, and then only NT$3,500 [±US$110] for fourteen days), I am happy – something that both annoys and delights me.

I have once again realised that in addition to spending time with important people in my life, there is nothing that fills me with so much exuberance as to produce something out of the talents that I have received, the skills that I have developed, and the knowledge I have gained over the years.

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THURSDAY, 13 APRIL 2006

I sometimes feel like a puppet whose mind has been activated (the idea comes from a book by Fritz Leiber, You’re All Alone): intelligent enough to see what I see, yet incapable of knowing or understanding the full truth, trapped in a shadowy half-life.

What advice would I offer to someone in my position?

I would say, take what you do know and understand, and aim to achieve results of your existence that are more positive than negative.

I reckon that’s good enough for a person trapped in the twilight, right?

WEDNESDAY, 19 APRIL 2006

Yesterday I had this idea that if people talk to me, and their requests or opinions are not reasonable, I would simply ignore everything they say, a kind of delete-the-sounds-from-my-short-term-memory kind of judgment.

This morning I reconsidered: Sometimes people simply need to express themselves when they make a request, or when they state an opinion or make a statement. Sometimes all you need to do is listen.

* * *

Any need a person has – for food, sleep, love, sex, creative fulfilment or financial success – has to do with silencing something. This “silence” we strive for is to be in a completely relaxed state, to go into a state that in extreme form is associated with either pre-birth, or death.

THURSDAY, 20 APRIL 2006

Every person’s “world” is like a circle – complete and, to a large extent, closed. Within this circle of people, values, understanding, and so forth his or her daily life plays out.

I am currently reading a book set in 1988 South Africa, with the main character portrayed as a good guy from the security police. The book serves as an example of a complete circle within which things made sense and within which things were ordered in a particular way. It also serves as a Document of a Particular Historical and Cultural Context – in the same way Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment serves as a document of the particular historical and cultural context that was St. Petersburg in the 1860s.

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WEDNESDAY, 5 APRIL 2006

Day 4 of my holiday in South Africa

From the very beginning, this holiday has been different from all the previous ones. In the first place, I did not come here alone, and I am not leaving here alone. Secondly, my older sister and her family are now living in Johannesburg. Thirdly, my old friend and coffee shop conversation partner from Taiwan is now living in Cape Town.

Two questions have travelled with me from the beginning, and have ambled with me across the lawn looking for a place to smoke a cigarette: “Who am I?” and “How have I changed?”

The answer to the first question is, after careful consideration, similar to the answer I gave in February 2005, August 2004 and July 2003: writer, poet, freethinker, man with a self-defined agenda, son, brother, friend, and entrepreneur-in-the-making.

To say that I am calmer – or maybe just tired – has to suffice as an answer to the second question. It feels like I have said enough for now, as if I have formulated opinions on everything on which I had wanted to formulate an opinion. Of course, there are many issues on which I have yet to formulate an opinion, but here a new thing kicks in: I have become more reluctant to express an opinion if I do not have sufficient data. I am not so eager anymore to jump on my soapbox with the first mention of a question and to try and talk everyone into submission with a hastily formulated opinion. Absolute statements, even preliminary statements, must now be preceded by very well-formulated questions.

MONDAY, 10 APRIL 2006

Day 5 in Cape Town – so far a happier and more enjoyable time than any other time I have spent in the Cape since February 1996

Friday we were driving on the N1. As we were passing Monte Vista where my parents and my younger sister had lived for several months in 1992 in a cramped little house next to the railway line, with their financial situation extremely precarious, I casually gestured in that direction and said to Natasja, “My parents lived in that second house from the bridge at one point.” As if it never mattered. As if I couldn’t even really remember that time.

Yesterday in Stellenbosch my brain was also innocently pulling documents from dusty old folders every time I saw a familiar street, street corner, building, square, library or eating establishment. Strange, and almost comforting in a way, how shallow certain feelings and insecurities lie.

* * *

Each person has an environment where he or she functions at optimal level – where you are at your best or where you produce your best work. The environment where I am currently on vacation requires of me a certain appearance – to be polite, to be good company, to be a good guest, and so on. While I reckon I do okay with it, I am acutely aware of the fact that this is not the environment in which I operate optimally. I don’t do any work here; I produce nothing; I create nothing. And these are things that I value in order to define myself and to distinguish myself from other people around me.

THURSDAY, 13 APRIL 2006

A week in Cape Town, almost two weeks away from Benevolent Light, sees the following thought as a result:

Religion – ritual – environment with central point – environment changes – ritual cannot be administered because of distance from central point – religion is undermined

Identity –actions that confirm identity – environment with central point – environment changes – actions that confirm identity cannot be performed because of distance from central point – identity is undermined

Result: confidence is undermined, stress increases, potential for interpersonal conflict increases

Short-term solution: faith

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