THURSDAY, 14 OCTOBER 2004
On the train (09:22)
I now know that I have been losing my faith for the past several months – or, depending on how you look at it, the past several years: faith in the traditional “truths” of my youth, faith in people, faith that “things will work out”.
It is also true that many people abuse narcotics and other substances on a daily basis to combat this problem (amongst others), or to make up for the negative effects this has on their lives.
Other people, or sometimes the same people, (also) give themselves over to criminal activities to (once again) make up for the absence of (amongst other things) faith in their outlook on life, and to provide them with the entertainment, excitement and/or money to make their lives worth living.
I hate drugs. They make me dizzy in the head, and I suspect – and know in one particular case – that using drugs will make me even more anxious rather than helping me to relax. And I don’t want to embark on a spate of criminal activities.
So, my balls are hanging between a pair of scissors and a furious scorpion.
By the way, I’ve been wondering all this time what it means to say, “My life is not worth living.” After all, I still satisfy many of my needs every day, my work load is not too bad, and I don’t have pressing financial problems. What is the problem, then?
The problem – and I have never thought about it like this – is that a person needs three things (except for never breaking the greatest commandment namely to never be without money): You need faith, you need hope, and you need love.
I, “Brand Smit” live without love. I have been living in various degrees of faithlessness for ten years, and even the faith that I have carved for myself as my own in the past few years, is losing value – for me. The only thing I have to keep myself going is hope.
And hope without faith and love can keep Thanatos busy at the front gate for only that long.
Can a person survive – physically remain alive – without faith, without hope, and without love, and then also without drugs or entertainment to counter the painful absence of faith, hope and love?
I think … no.
If you do not have faith, hope, or love in your life, you will feel a strong urge to indulge in the abuse of drugs and/or to surrender yourself to any activities, criminal or otherwise, that can provide you with unceasing excitement and entertainment.