MONDAY, 31 JANUARY 2005
I suspect, and have also suspected this in the past, that I get bored with the very idea of something.
One example: I notice in the English textbook I am currently using with a group of 12 year-old students a picture of a family in a backyard. They’re busy barbequing. I look at the adults and think, “How fucking boring …”
The problem is, this boredom with the very idea of something registers as a serious thought in my mind, and it is included in my official Thoughts On Topic X!
I think I have been on a bitter campaign against things for a long time – in some cases nothing more than luck that I think I had missed out on earlier, or things that could have made me happy that had lost its glamour because I almost always associate it with anxiety and uncertainty.
I think it is just my inner nature – which is essentially good – that has prevented me from venting my feelings in other ways.
Which brings me back to the question of “inner nature” and/or “core personality”: they are givens, are they not? And crucial in the manufacturing of end result, right? How guilty then is Given, and how guilty Free Will?
I was just lying in bed. I was aware of my body. I was also aware of the idea that I was aware of my body. I could also remember that I have been aware of my body at other times, earlier times. I could also remember that I had also then thought, or knew, that I was aware of my body.
Consciousness develops; it is not just suddenly there. Yet, there must be a critical moment – a watershed moment in the development of self-consciousness.
Certainly there can be no doubt that a fetus has a consciousness after 30 weeks or so. The consciousness of the fetus and that of the newborn baby (including the first few months) is, however, unique in the history of the person’s consciousness: it is wordless.
Difference between wordless consciousness and consciousness where language comes into play …