WEDNESDAY, 13 OCTOBER 2004
Monday afternoon at 16:45 the wording of a thought came to me. The thought upset me somewhat. I figured, I if still remembered the thought by 18:00 I can make a note of it at home (the idea hatched during a class). Not only did I still remember the thought, but the state of mind that had given rise to the idea was still present at the appointed hour.
Nevertheless, I was home, I could watch a little TV, work on the computer, listen to music … and I had a fresh, steaming box of shrimp fried rice to satisfy my appetite. The idea had still not been written down by the time I went to bed.
* * *
This weekend I will again make an appearance where I will stoop so low as to feel embarrassed about the growing hairlessness of my scalp. Yes, there I’ll be, bald headed, barefoot*, 33 year-old property-less, credit card-less, car-less, non-corporate, independent, unpublished “writer”.
I might just succeed in entertaining one or two ladies for a while with my intelligent and – seeing that I can’t manage to detach myself from the idea of arranging a date with one particular young woman – somewhat charming company. Before long, however, I will be pushed aside in favour of another male character who is so blessed to have hair on his head, and clothes in his closet in which appearances can be so much more impressive, and more in accordance with the fashion of the day.
I will therefore, after once again tying my shoes to my feet, rush back to the safety of my apartment that smells of loneliness and stale cigarette smoke. I might watch TV for a while, work on a project on the computer, play a few FreeCell games, listen to music, drink tea, and blow even more cigarette smoke at the walls and ceiling whilst contemplating the sustainability of my present life.
* [In Taiwan the custom is to take off your shoes before entering a dwelling.]
* * *
(Back to the penultimate notation)
This brings us to Wednesday at 16:26, almost 48 hours after the original idea – or the latest manifestation of an old idea, because a new idea it is definitely not.
* * *
Getting it, missing something … insights, ignorance … it’s all the same …
* * *
My life, as it currently stands, is not worth living, and I don’t have the necessary faith or conviction to make the changes to make it worth the effort.
I am losing my faith. I have reached the end of the road, and nothing at the end of it is as rosy as ignorance and blind faith.
I think of sex and money, as though I desperately believe that these are the ingredients that will make everything “different”. What does it say if that is my only remaining faith?
I hope to get up tomorrow morning, because I’ll be hungry and in need of coffee and a cigarette. I will go to my class because it will be less stressful than to pick up the phone and explain to the school that I don’t want to go. Plus, if I don’t make the effort to go to work, I will know the little red brick house that is the external structure and facade of my life is beginning to crumble.
Am I really close to an abyss? The funny thing is, I don’t know. I am like someone who is standing blindfolded on a pitch-black night on a steep cliff – I know the abyss is somewhere in my immediate vicinity, but I don’t know if it’s one or a hundred meters away. Why not? Because this state of mind has reigned in my life for the past … ten years? The only thing that kept this condition under control 15 years ago was religious belief.
I cannot discuss these things with anyone.
(We don’t always see the things that push us closer to the abyss. We don’t recognize the faces for the people they really are.)
* * *
Hope. Not even faith is worth anything without hope.
* * *
(Who can understand?)
This may sound strange, but I actually believe in the existence of God – I just don’t know who or what God is. One of the reasons for this is my lack of trust in people; no one who talks about God is credible enough in my eyes (though many of these believers are honest and good people).
I also don’t believe or trust handed down truth. Who am I to believe, after all? Protestants? Catholics? Muslims? Hindus? Jews? Everyone has their own agendas, and there are reasons why all these groups of “believers” embrace different “truths”, why they believe what they believe. Reasons good enough for them to believe, but not good enough for me. (Already Thursday 01:26)