What is love – creeping greyness – personal religion

SATURDAY, 23 APRIL 2005

19:33

What is love?

Love is a willingness, and a free conscious choice to keep someone else’s needs, well-being and best interests at heart*. Romantic love is when this willingness combines with a very strong desire* to be with this person, to share* your life with this person; also to share what is that person’s life with him or her.

Asterisks:

to keep at heart = to consider something of great importance; to at least take co-responsibility for something

strong desire = a need which, if not met, may lead to emotional distress

to share = to not keep what makes you happy or what is important to you, or what makes you sad, or what causes you pain or discomfort to yourself

MONDAY, 25 APRIL 2005

14:17

I do not ALWAYS, IMMEDIATELY understand EVERYTHING …

18:34

There are incidents that come out of the blue, and unleash a reaction. Then there is the creeping variety, a greyness that comes from far away, that erodes resistance piece by piece until you are forced, on a Monday in April, to admit to yourself: I am not always so sure of things.

* * *

It is like this: You work and you work and you work, and then, one morning, an image appears from the fog. You see a man’s face, and you see him grin or smile about something. You shrug your shoulders and ask, “What?”

The man replies: “I see you are working your ass off. Have you ever considered the possibility that nothing will ever come of it? That all of this is for nothing?”

20:28

Shame and so on. Since when do I give myself over to such cheap mental tricks?

Plus, I know where it comes from: from the same brackish spring it flowed from last April.

Solution: WRITE.

TUESDAY, 26 APRIL 2005

18:03

“Life in the city is merely a wormlike biological existence where man lives and dies meaninglessly.” ~ Muammar Qaddafi

[The fact that he believed this probably made it easier for him to make it a reality for many people in Libyan cities.]

21:23

To be “Brand Smit” is my personal religion.

If someone converts to a religion, the event is usually accompanied by feelings of euphoria and an improved sense of personal well-being and security – place in the cosmos, identity, sin and salvation, “Eternal Life” and so on. The New Convert can however not simply convert one Friday evening at a gathering and – voilla! – the wonderful euphoria and well-being and sense of security last forever. He or she must, starting on Day Two, regularly follow certain rituals to confirm his or her new identity and cosmic status.

THINGS MUST REGULARLY BE DONE TO CONFIRM IDENTITY AND COSMIC STATUS – YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ULTIMATE REALITY!

I cannot just know I am “Brand Smit”. It is simply not good enough. The creeping greyness from the past three weeks has once again confirmed what I have also realized in the past: IF I DO NOT WRITE, I AM NOT WHO I SAY I AM.

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