Conflict with myself – trapped in a reclusive existence

MONDAY, 19 NOVEMBER 2007

11:58

“He has it in him to become successful, but does he have it in him to be successful?” ~ part of a conversation in my head

MONDAY, 26 NOVEMBER 2007

11:43

It is like I am always in conflict with myself. One part is almost autistic – he just wants to sit in his own little corner where everything is familiar, where each little dust ball is in its place. Nothing should ever change.

The other part is ambitious. He wants to improve things; he wants things better. He is impatient, and endlessly frustrated with the guy in the corner.

TUESDAY, 27 NOVEMBER 2007

19:08

Themes for a writing project:

– moral compromises, and the situations that give rise to them

– life as struggle, and then you rest

– living with the consequences of your own catastrophic mistakes or failures

– knowing what might happen (in theory, according to CNN, newspapers, etc.) and living every day as if it won’t happen

TUESDAY, 18 DECEMBER 2007

16:05

I can take losing. A pain that I would like to avoid as much as possible, though, is disillusionment.

MONDAY, 31 DECEMBER 2007

17:36

That I mention this on the last day of 2007, is incidental.

An overview of the year in yesterday’s Taipei Times reminded me that I have succeeded to a large extent in one of my visions for the future in 1994: I have become a recluse. That I go out to teach a few classes every week, and to be with Natasja make it a little less obvious, but not much further from the truth.

There are cultural events in this city, plays, performances, art and museum exhibitions, but for years I have been trapped in a reclusive existence, a reduced reality if any sociologist or psychologist has ever hoped for another case study, full of energy and focus, busy with some project, some struggle.

Is it absolutely necessary for things to be like this?

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